When I was at that local university in 2017 and 2018, I looked up "methods." My boss in 2010 repeatedly asked me, "Have you ever thought about killing yourself?" I had to lie, because I was very vocal about those thoughts to my parents. But after I was laid off, my boss took me to spend a day around the Sandy Hook area of the New Jersey shore. It was a super nice day! He had his veteran friend in his early 90s accompany us.

At that university, I cried so much. I cried four or five times in one day one 2017 summer day. That amounted to having cried all day. And the best that I could be told was that I "lacked confidence."

Now, I have real friends!!!!! People who actually care. But imagine 29 years of life absolutely sucking before I could even get there. That'll leave a mark.

So, I suffer...many more downs that ups, really. I wish I could see my friend who lives nearby. She's "a targeted individual." She's diagnosed with schizophrenia, see. With her, she's unable to understand that what she's told doesn't exist does not exist. I've been around people diagnosed with schizophrenia who are aware of the reality of their delusions when they're taking their medication as prescribed and when they're on the right track. This friend is the nicest, nicest, sweetest person. She's certainly misunderstood. But I don't talk about her as much as my other friends. That's because communicating with her is a difficult task, but I check up on her by text every now and then. She lives so close by... It'd be nice if we could share regular adventures together. We can't, though.

Anyway, I'm visiting my niece and nephew in Maryland tomorrow. It's my niece's birthday tomorrow! She's turning four! That'll sure cheer me up.

Edit: I "denied depression" for the longest time. Why wouldn't I have? "The system" just wanted to fuck my life up more and more and more and more and more and more.