I am so alone. I have no friends or family. I have tried to cry and I can't, I just can't cry. I hate living my life alone all the time.

My last serious girlfriend dumped me 8 years ago [which was the right thing, I wasn't good to her at all] and I haven't been successful at dating since. I'm terrible at talking to girls anymore because I have such niche interests that it's hard to talk to them about anything specific.

My mother overdosed on meth and crack cocaine two years ago; I got out of the shower and walked to her room to wake her up for work and she was cold and blue. My dad died about a year and a half ago, not sure how; probably hep c or overdose.

My sisters are both addicts. One is an alcoholic with an ecstasy problem, the other lives in a "reduced harm" drug rehab facility. Neither would care if I died right now. But I want them to know that I'm dead, ya know? It's kinda fucked up but if there's a hell I'll make a deal with the devil to make sure they know.

I have been thinking about how I would kill myself. What I would have to take care of first. It's getting to the point where I think it's only a matter of time. I have a pre-suicide check list and I feel like I sorted out the logistics of it.

I would probably cut a hole into my car's floor and have the exhaust shoot up into my cabin. I'll bring my cat with me because she can't be rehomed with her age and personality. My dog would easily find a new home. I'll use my next batch of rent money and hire a garbage truck to take all of my stuff.

I don't know when I'm going to do it but I'm probably going to do it soon.