I’m a 28 year old man, soon to be 29. I’m single, and I’m watching all my friends get engaged now left right and center. I’m probably going to be single forever (more on that in a second).

First things first, I’ve always been pretty “blue” for as long as I can remember. I really think it could be genetic. Even when I was a young kid, I can recall having feelings of loneliness and sadness for no reason. I’d often isolate myself.

Spine disease runs in my family. My sister had major scoliosis surgery when she was a teenager; she can only bend at the waste. I was lucky until last year. I had a spinal fusion procedure to repair 2 fractures in my back for no reason. I deal with chronic pain still every day. I also have some nerve damage now. My legs constantly burn and tingle, and I don’t have 100% sensation in my lower body.

After my surgery, I wanted to get out there and start dating again. I’m a good looking guy, I’m tall, I’m a former college athlete, and I’m still in excellent shape. I’ve never had a hard time getting with women, but I’ve always struggled to find a meaningful relationship. Well now it’s going to be even more difficult. This year, I finally gave a girl a chance. We decided we were exclusive. She was a flight attendant and travelled a lot, and she was insanely attractive. Well, I found out she’d been cheating on me while she was away on flights, and I found out in the worst way you could probably find out. A few days after we last had sex, I noticed a sore in my genital area. I was concerned and went and got tested. Sure enough, you guessed it, I tested positive for genital herpes. I’ve never had an STD in my life, and now the time I finally trusted someone again, she gives me the one that has no cure.

If my depression wasn’t bad before, it sure is now. I don’t see a path forward now in my life. I suffer every day with back pain, and now it’s very unlikely that I find a wife and start a family like I always wanted. I often read success stories about people that are accepting of someone with herpes, but most people think it’s disgusting and think you only get it from sleeping with “dirty” people like hookers or something. Well, truth is it’s out there with normal people too. It seriously isn’t even a big deal. I haven’t had an outbreak in several months, and when I do, I get a couple small sores that heal up in a few days. The problem is I could be contagious at any time, although I’m far more contagious during an outbreak. So, if I take antiviral medication every day, and always wear protection, the chances of me passing it to someone are actually very low, but not 0. But, morally, I should disclose to a potential partner, and so far I’m 0 for 1 with disclosures. Legally I don’t have to disclose, but I would never do that to someone.

I am so lonely, I have no drive or purpose in life. I just want a woman in my life to love, and I want my own family. I am so anxious about growing old without a support system in place. For the first time in my life, I have actually thought about suicide. Have I seriously considered it yet? No. But I have definitely thought about it more often.