I will be rambling. I thought I'm more or less stable, but from Friday evening my mood just hit the ground. Nothing really happened, but now I'm spiralling into depressed thoughts, yesterday I had trouble falling asleep from intrusive thoughts.

Can't really collect my thoughts. Well, everything is shit. Unemployed, with little working experience. 28. Have master's at least. But sending CV ends with silence, or in a very polite "fuck off". So now living with parents, with no money.

At least I'm helping around the house, cook and buy groceries. Trying to lose weight, but failing miserably, and trying to start working out, but trying to find a suitable workout for free is overwhelming.

Was thinking of dating (I never been in a relationship before), even had a profile on several apps, and matches with two girls. But I realised I don't have anything to offer, so didn't message them and eventually uninstalled apps. Tbh I don't think I will ever be a good partner for anyone, my character is probably too toxic. But sometimes I just want to talk to someone.

Almost deleted all that text. But want to let it out from my head. Have some friends (3 to be precise), but I don't see them very often. And I don't really have anything to talk with them about, we become more and more strangers every time we meet. Don't really know how to look for new ones.

Losing interest in what hobbies I was still interested in. So probably won't be able to meet anyone through this, cause nothing new sounds fun. Have a pile of books waiting, but can't force myself to read them. Sometimes I just want to get drunk. Never did before, but I just want to sit and shut my brain. Wanted to write something, but I don't remember what. I have no ambition in life to be honest, don't want to pursue any career. Losing love for humanity too, to be honest. Probably because of reading and listening too much about the situation around the world. Hey, I live like 100km from Russian border, with nukes and all (I live in northern Poland). Can't help but think it's this time of the century it's all goes to shit again.

Homes are expensive as fuck too. At this point, because I don't have a job or saved money, I probably won't be able to buy even the smallest flat. And when I retire I won't be able to survive too. So probably I will be around till my parents are gone, and then, probably, I will be gone too.

Sorry for rambling and incoherence. It's hard to think to be honest.