1. Obviously, this is a throwback account
2. I offered a lot of background info, if you want to skip to the gist, check the last 2 paragraphs.
3. References to ethical non-monogamy and polyamory, so if you have strong belives against those, maybe skip the post altogether.

I'm 31, coming from a average-poorish family from an average-poorish country in Europe.

As a teenager I was often depressed, hated myself, my life, my family, my country. Also had a handful of bad experiences, but not too traumatic (bunch of verbal abuse, winessing or almost experiencing sexual abuse, light physical abuse).

At 19 I met my current husband who was 30 at the time. For the first time ever I felt loved and cared for. We were like-minded from the get go.

A year later we moved abroad and started an uphill battle to settle in, integrate, start a creer, start a family. It was A LOT of work, it was demanding and I literally feel like I did/achieved/lived in 10 years enough for 20.

I got where I wanted to be. I have a stable, well-paid job I can afford a generic middle class life. I have a kid and I can offer them everything they need. There is even something left to spoil ourselves from time to time.

I love my husband, he is my team mate, he knows me better than anyone, he accepts me the way I am (and I am no beauty, I am not very good at taking care of the house chores, I am moody and impulsive).

For the past 18-24 months I started what would probably be qualified as an 'emotional affair' with an (recently ex-) co-worker.

My husband and I have been in a monogamish relationahip from the begining. We agreed that sex with another person is not a deal breaker as long as the one having it comes clean right after. So the only deal breaker is lying about it.

The (ex) co-worker is in his early 50s. Physically he has all the things that make me attracted to a man: big and musclar, tattos, long hair, salt and pepper hair. He's style is also something I am into: like a mild/romantic rock, jeans with a chain but also pink cover on his phone and of course he has a motorcycle. But the thing that really caught my attention about him was the profound saddness I saw in his eyes. I don't know how exactly to put it into words, I just recognized it...

We haven't been up to much at work. Lots of gazing and 'eye-fucking', some accidental touching, and a couple of times when he 'got my back' discretely, when I needed help at work. He changed jobs about a month ago and we got in touch on social media a few days after he left (I contacted him). We chat daily for a few days and it went very smoothly, very natural but then we went cold.

Husband knew about my interest in the co-worker from the get-go, at times he said that if there are circumstances in which I end up having sex with him, he will accept it.

This morning I started crying over my breakfast and figured I had it bottled up in me for a long time. I have been struggling with stress at work for more than 6 months and looking closer at all the signs, I probably have been depressed for even longer than that. One workmate mentioned over a year ago something related to functional depression, but in a subtile way, so I didn't really take it to the heart right then.

I feel like I am obsessed with the ex-coworker. I know he is not a good life-partner for me and he didn't ever gave the impression he is even interested, but I keep fantasyzing about spending time with him, having experiences and deep conversations together, sometimes even about being together. I do not want to throw my current life out of the window, as I worked so hard for it and at the end of the day, it's a good life. I am also aware that it's just a NRE/ grass is greener on the other side situation. I can rationalize those thoughts, but deep inside, my instincts, my whole being feels otherwise and this just tears me apart (and has been doing so for many months now...).