This has been one of the worst weeks of my life so far. I've lost 2 really close friends. 1 to suicide that I feel like I could have help him if I tried a bit more and the other to my own stupidity and I just blurted something while I was in psychosis and have hurt her a lot. I miss them both so fucking much. I'm at rock bottom once again. I've tried to end it 5 different times in the past few years and every fucking time something goes wrong or someone saves me or it doesn't work. It's a cruel joke. It seems like God or whatever wants me to keep on surviving but what the hell man. Wtf do you want from me?? Only thing I can do is laugh at dichotomy of life. All I ever do is hurt people around me. So fucking done with it all. I even made my therapist cry yesterday which I find hilarious. Let's see how long this freak show lasts.