in the past few months i have had some of the roughest times of my life, if not the worst. i was supposed to have a beautiful baby boy in december, come to find out that the mother lied about having the baby when she did, claiming he was stillborn. she had none of the necessary documents to back up her claims, my family and i were devastated. his name was going to be Mason Baylor Westrom (my last name). and in the past couple weeks my parents have been up my ass about getting another job and/or working full time, the last time we talked about it they said i had 2 weeks to figure something out or im on the streets. the first talk was when my mom came out to my shed (it was all they had to give me since my sisters had the rooms in the house) and she yelled at me about me being lazy and not doing enough for myself and the like, which once she left sent me into (to my memory) my first real depressive episode, which brought on genuine thoughts of suicide. the second talk was much calmer but had the same result, another episode and even worse thoughts of suicide. i am medicated (100mg sertraline) but recently things have gotten so far out of hand i cant keep up with any of the thoughts in my head or whats going on around me day to day. i have a total of $45 to my name since my last paycheck went to car insurance and registration/DEQ ($490 total). i know i need therapy desperately and i know where to find offices and stuff, but i dont know where to start and how to go about it. it all feels like its too much to handle and i am drowning in depression and thoughts killing myself daily, the only things keeping me alive are my dreams of being a music producer and the fear of disappointing the people i love. i dont know what to do about anything and i know the innate human fear of the unknown is natural, but it still terrifies me. everyday i wake up scared that the thoughts will end up winning and that i will have wasted the one life i have on stupid decisions and the fear of being better than i am now.

i know this is super unorganized but i needed to get my thoughts down somewhere. feel free to reach out here or on my instagram (this isnt a plug i'll probably respond more on there) my insta is @typical_loser42