Just one year ago I was actually happy. Maybe not everyday but I was content and honestly looking forward to the future. But today I just sit here typing feeling like there is a hole in my chest that can't be filled. Nothings changed in my life besides a rough break up. But that break up made me take a good look at myself and realize all of my awful flaws I had. And I thought that maybe if I found a new GF and fixed my flaws then perhaps the hole could be filled. But I know its untrue because a relationship and character development would only distract me from the problems but not fix them. Yet now everyday is just waking up to either crying or having nothing exciting me even if the day is filled with fun activities. The excitement and joy in my life is gone.

I feel like an outcast who will never truly find connection or love ever again. I'm just this soul doomed to be alone because no one will ever understand or want connect with me on a deeper level. The is no point to me and there has never been. I've always just been floating down the river of life. And its all I hear: "you have to try new hobbies", "you have to get more sunlight", "you have to make yourself more interesting so people want to be your friend". Why can't someone (including myself) just accept me for who I am right now? No amount of changing or investing in this body of mine is worth it because this life will never be enough for myself or anyone else. I'm so tired of the routine and the bullshit and everyone just telling me how to live. Everything is just boring now. I just want to curl up into a ball and wither away.