I'm not sure if I was ever happy in my life, but lately it seems like I'm moving further and further away from whatever it is. I love my kids and they do warm my heart when they come up with something funny or discover something new. But I just feel so blah about life overall. My marriage is a roommate situation, I hate my career and can't afford to change it, and I find the only things that make me close to happy is binge eating and binge shopping. Not that it actually makes me happy... it's just a distraction.

I want to know what it's like to feel happy. I don't know if I'm incapable of it or what. I'm super irritable and can't stand people including and especially myself.

My good friend was recently diagnosed w late stage cancer and in addition to being sad about her situation it's a reminder how short life is. I'm tired of being miserable. But I don't know how to change my mindset. Or what happiness I should seek. How to even know what happiness is? Is it real? Can it be?