It’s getting worse everyday day.

I’m trying so hard.

I’m going through a shitty breakup. Have no social life. I feel completely worthless and so far behind everyone my age. I have a lot of family trauma.

And I’m trying so hard to take care of myself so I don’t feel like this.

I’m speaking with therapist. I’m eating mostly healthily. I go to the gym 5 times a week and when the thoughts, anxiety and depression get to hard I go for a walk and challenge my negative thoughts with positive intentions/actions.

I’m just realising how sick I truly am.

I don’t want to kms but I’d be fine with dying. Everyday I hope something traumatic happens to me. Every time I narrowly miss a car/bus. I wish it would hit me. Im idealising the thought of death so much. Passive suicide they call it’s.

If anything happened to me

I try to avoid it because

I would do it but I don’t want anyone to think I’m weak

I don’t want anyone to pretend they care about me, if it did happen because No one really cares about me. No one reaches out to me. I don’t have any close friends. I always have to reach out first to “my friends”. People don’t get close to me. People like my ex more then me.

I don’t want to hurt anyone

I don’t want anyone to think “ I wish she would have told me she was struggling so bad” because you all have made it clear I don’t really fit into you lives.

I don’t want anyone blaming themselves. No one is to blame. Maybe im not a good person and the only person to blame would be myself.

And after all of this. I just get so tired of hearing how resilient I am. I shouldn’t have to try so fucking hard in life every day. I shouldn’t have to beg to get treated decently. I should have to be treated so shitty from my ex. I shouldn’t have to try so Damn hard to have a social life I shouldn’t have been told to stay strong while getting bullied everyday day when I was in school.

I’m tired. I’m so sad tired of begging to be treated decently. I’m so damn tired. I don’t know how much more resilient i can be.

Sorry if this is too much to read or doesn’t match the sub but my depression is just getting so fucking hard.

Can someone please help me by telling me does it get better. How did you overcome these thought and these hardships through life.