I physically can’t open up to anyone irl. I’ve never been able to tell anyone anything. When I was a kid, I’d hide everything from my parents. Getting sick, hurt, bullied, etc. I never told them anything. I was bullied my whole school life and I never told anyone. I just endured. I’ve never told anyone irl anything personal. All I’ve told them is very basic info of me. I’ve never been close with anyone. Whenever someone wants to know more about me and asks something personal, or if they wanna know what’s bothering me, I freeze up. I’m physically incapable of saying anything. I can’t express emotions either. People keep telling me to try writing. I can’t. My hand freezes up. Even if I could write, what would I say? “I don’t feel good”? “I’m mad”? “I’m sad”? What good would that do? I’m not creative, expressive, or anything. I have no idea how to express how I feel in any form. Music, writing, drawing, etc. I never know what I’m thinking. People have tried to help me with my depression. My parents had me meet a bunch of therapists and even had meds. The meds didn’t do anything and I couldn’t say anything to the therapists. No matter how hard I tried, nothing came out. I ended up just closing up more. I couldn’t even greet them or look at them after a while. After going through a bunch of people, I was eventually let go and my case was closed. They pretty much gave up since no progress was being made. Ever since then, I just started closing up more and more. I don’t even talk to my parents anymore. When they ask how I am, I tell them they need a warrant. I still freeze up. I can’t write how I feel for reasons I said before. And if I try to type how I feel to send to someone I know, my body won’t let me. I have no idea why I’m like this. I’m just stuck in a downward spiral for seemingly no reason. I’ve pretty much given up and don’t see the point in getting better. I just want to know something. Why am I like this? What made me unable to open up or express how I feel