To start off with my life has been hell for a long time. Back story time. I am in the army and back in 2019 I went to fort benning GA. I was single and not really sure what I was looking for. I eventually got in contact with a girl I use to go to school with in Florida. She had a kid but I didn't really view that as a problem. During when we were talking she ended up ghosting me for another guy we also went to school with. Red flag 1. I took it surprisingly well and honestly just wanted her to be happy. Well a couple days later she comes back and expresses to me that it was a mistake and that she dumped him for me. Like an romantic idiot I never looked back on it and we proceeded to talk. I went down to FL on leave and we hooked up. I found that I really liked this girl and we got married a couple of months later. The problem we now faced was that she was not allowed to leave the state because of her daughter's biological dad not letting her. We went to court and lost and it seemed everything changed. We talked about fighting again but that slowly faded. We were tired if the court fees and the emotional drain of not being able to be together. We talked about me leaving the army but also how we could not afford it. So there we were stuck in this hell of our own making. We tried to make it work still and I honestly loved my step daughter like she was my own. I did things with her that her own dad wouldn't lift a finger to do like try to teach her how to swim or play baseball with her. The problems I think started to ramp up when she got 2 male friends. She would spend alot of time with them and would tell them about our marriage. I would visit her every leave and at least once a month to keep the relationship going. She had a darker side to her and sometimes acted like a child herself saying horrible things to beat me down and constantly harass me when I tried to go out with friends. It got to the point that I started ghosting my friends or telling them that I did not want to hang out just to avoid the harsh full onslaught of my wife saying how I was ignoring her and how hurt she was ect ect. She eventually quit her job to spend more time with her daughter and I of course voiced my concerns but it was shut down. For 6 to 9 months she didn't work and we only lived off my bullshit military salary. I eventually started doordashing to try to make up for her lack of working so we could have a little more spending money. She would go on dinner and lunch dates with her 2 friends and but whenever I wanted to use some of the money for fast food she would yell at me for spending. Eventually she got tired of being poor and started a new job. They were great and now she makes 60,000 a year. It came up that the 2 "friends" just wanted to fuck her. And while I believe wholeheartedly that she never cheated i cant know for sure because we are in 2 differnet states. She became pregnant with our son. Ive always wanted to be a father and i was already but with constant reminders that i was not the biological father. Finally i would have a kid of my own. He is so beautiful and amazing and leaving again to go back to the militaty killed me inside. I started to lose myself to the constant fighting and pressure over money. I stopped working out and taking care of myself. My house on the military base is trashed but I have no motivation to clean it. I am away from My wife and kids. I tried to find ways to deal with this depression but every moment I snapped out of it it came back even harder. I am currently getting out of the army now finally on a medical discharge. And it im in college for cyber security. I want a future where we will have enough money to actually live and give our kids a good life. While half supporting me in this goal she continues to treat it like a dream and that I will never complete it. She constantly talks about money and how i can't go to school and I need a bullshit job when I get out. I understand the pressure of having 2 kids and a husband that is away. But I can't snap my fingers and fix everything. I am trying my heart out while also dealing with this bullshit depression sucking all the life out of me. I can't even get up without feeling tired and lost. I can't express anything to her because she'll understand in the moment then use it against me in the next fight which hurts more than anything. I want help but if I go to the military they will just say I'm unstable and possibly cause more issues. I don't have friends because I threw them all away for my wife. My parents are so concerned with there own lives that I barely exist to them. I can't rely on my wife because she will just use it against me. I am truly trying my hardest to fight for a better future but my body and mind are fighting against me. I don't know what to do and how to make it stop. I don't want divorce even though my wife has threatened me with it multiple times. I want my children to have a good family with their mother and father together. I'm not always a good man. I've never cheated despite knowing she will never find out. Instead I am constantly on pornhub and onlyfans. The last one I just recently did but immediately deleted my account because i thought it was stupid. I used my card that I got from donating plasma. She somehow found out how to get into the account and is now screaming at me for it. I told her it was a mistake and I deleted it immediately but she's not having it. She also drained the rest of the money on the card so now there's nothing in it. I'm tired of being this way and living this separate life. Everything good I do is overshadowed by the wrong I have done and am constantly reminded of. I stopped drinking awhile ago but am now drinking heavily again. I just feel so down and depressed. And have no motivation to keep going. I love my son and daughter more than anything and I want them to have the world. My wife too despite her less that nice qualities. There's plenty more I could talk about but I just don't have the energy or time to remember. I'm stuck in a void and feels like I'm facing the world alone. I stick to playing video games and drinking to try and forget for a little but it doesn't help. I don't know what I wanted out of this post maybe just wanted to vent. Maybe just wanted people to finally hear what I have to say before my wife can bash me. I truly am alone in this just like my wife claims. I don't have anyone I can talk to that will understand. I don't have family and when my wife and I are fighting I am cut off from that family as well. I just dont know how much I can take