I met my ex-wife in 2013 just after graduation. We met online and did the normal dating thing. We connected emotionally, physically, we could count on each other. We did everything together as young adults. We made goals for each other, we had dreams and were working everyday to achieve it. We knew where we wanted to be by the end of it all. I finally proposed to her in 2017. I had so many plans for how I would propose but one day I just couldn't hold it back any longer, I got impatient and asked her while we were doing the dishes together... I'm extremely sentimental and made sure that I got just the right ring. I got her birthstone cut into the shape of a heart and bordered with with diamonds on a sterling silver ring made just for her finger and a blank for our marriage ring that we could have done anyway she wanted. She chose to leave it blank as a "Blank slate to build on for our future" because she wanted to add something to it for every year that we were married. I loved her, she loved me. While we worked to save for the wedding, we were working on achieving our other main goal. Build and own a house. We came up with a two step plan that took advantage of the dead 2020 real-estate system and found the perfect house to use as a starter home. In an affordable nice area near everything necessary with only a few compromises that were supposed to be temporary. We knew that if we bought it before the market opened back up, we would have some good equity into the house and we could use that to put towards building our dream house where ever we wanted and bought it. 6 months later; We finally scrounged up the money to have her perfect wedding with all the people, friends, and family that we wanted there. No exceptions. It was to be perfect. We got married on September 17th 2020. We knew things were crazy then, but that's the date she chose and I wanted her happy. I didn't want it so close to the elk hunt, but the weather was supposed to be perfect that day and the flora around the waterfall was going to be in perfect color to match the wedding. That was the happiest day of my life. Seeing all my friends and family so happy for us made me feel like I was the most important man on earth. I knew with my wife at my side, there was nothing that could stop us. Nothing could tear us down.
Spending all this money for our happiness seemed worth it at the time. We both knew things were going to be a rough if we decided to have a honey-moon, but we agreed that we were going to do it for us. We deserved a break. So we found a lovely little Bed 'n Breakfast down in the smallest down in our state and enjoyed ourselves. We went rock hounding, hiking, driving, we got to press the button for an organized surface mining operation for topazes a few hours away from our house. We made sandwiches, brought drinks, the whole shebang to make sure we could be out there the longest and find the biggest minerals. And we did. We came home with such an impressive collection of stones, gems, minerals, it was fun.
In the long list of vacations and fun events we did together, we visited Cancun, Maine, New Hampshire, We went to Salem, Mass. for the Halloween event, there was tons of excitement in our lives and were having so much fun.
By 2022, we were getting closer to having our goal equity in the house, even with the shitty economy. The only problem was that she couldn't hold down a job. She was always giving up or quitting every job the moment it got to hard for her and I supported her every step of the way. I work graveyard shifts and get 40 hours done in 3 days. I chose this schedule with work to make sure that I would always have enough time to spend with here and also keep the bills paid and her comfortable. I worked hard for what we had. Then she decided that she wanted to really follow her dream of becoming a shop owner - selling little knick-knacks, crafts, and fun decorations.
I told her that I want that for her, but it would require more capital than we had and we could work on it on a smaller scale and build it from there and I would help every step of the way. This wasn't good enough. She wanted a brick and mortar shop. Then one afternoon, we went to a little community event that hosted a bunch of little shops selling their misc. goods and crafts. Just what she wanted to do... She wanted to ask the organizer how much one of the rooms in the building was for rent. It seemed low enough and she begged me to do it. I agreed and from that point on, the only thing funding it was our life savings. 4 months into that, our savings are drained, she is depressed because nothing is selling, and now we're living paycheck to paycheck because she used her credit card to fill in the gaps in her business's budget. She hid just how much it was from me. I knew she was doing it but trusted her to know the limits there and not go crazy. Eventually she gave up on the shop too and decided to go back to work. This drug both of us down emotionally. Over the next few months, I carried on working and doing everything I can to make her happy but also give her the space that she said she needed.
I had a friend that I had just recently reconnected with that was raising his son alone and I started trying to include him in my wife's and my lives more to help support him. To show him that we are here for him and all that. I taught both he and his son how to fish and gave them all the tools to do it on their own. Then my wife and my friend started talking more and more. At first I thought this was a good thing. I KNEW that I could trust her around other men. She'd never given me any reason to suspect otherwise. Then after a little while, I started noticing that while I was out doing something on the house, working on the cars, working a second job, or just hanging around the house with her, she was CONSTANTLY talking with him. He and I didn't even talk that much. After a while she and him started going to the Gym together. The week after I asked my wife if she wanted to start going with me and she said that she didn't want to because it takes too much time. But then he asks if she wants to go and she says "No problem! let's do it!" This hurt... I wanted to spend that time with her. But I thought "Well.... It's not always about me. She could use a friend, I guess. I'm just glad she's with some one I know and taking steps to feeling better about herself"
The longer this went on, the more it felt off. They started going to movies together with-out inviting me. Going to plays, gem fairs, dinner... all with-out me. When I brought this up to her and how it made me uncomfortable, I was shrugged off as not trusting her and accused of being controlling. By this point, Her and I hadn't been intimate in almost a year. I always got told "I'm too tired" "I'm not in the mood" "I have a lot to do tomorrow" "I'm worn out from the gym. Maybe next week" After a while I stopped working for it because I knew I was going to get told no and then made to feel like a nuisance for just trying.
Then one day in January, She tells me "I love you... I just don't think I'm IN-LOVE with you." This tore me down even more.... I asked what I did wrong and she said that we've just grown apart... I didn't feel that we grew apart. I loved her. She's the only one for me. All I've ever wanted. The good and that bad, I married her and I wanted to work things out. We tried counseling, we tried time apart... nothing seemed to fix things. No matter how much I communicated my feelings, trusted her, listened to her, made changes... It was never enough. I tried going extravagant and simple... I organized her birth day this year (Like I do every year) but this time I wanted to really go all out. I got her a fancy dress, some jewelry, and made reservations and the top-most rated restaurant in the state for her and ALL of her friends and family. A party of 18 showed up out of the 20 I invited. The two that weren't able to come were my 2 closest friends. I even invited my other "buddy" (Her now gym partner) to come and he came the second most dressed after my wife. I made sure she was the center of the party just like she wanted. I just wanted to spoil her, REALLY REALLY spoil her. Like I thought she deserved. It was a great night. It was $2,250! After dinner, her and I went home and things started getting intimate between us and it was nice until she stopped really trying and things fizzled out... This is when I knew that there was more going on than I thought...

Back in March, My brother and I decided to do a little snowmobile riding for my birthday because she wanted to go a play with him instead of spend time with me for my birthday. I had an accident that day. On my birthday. I was taken to the hospital and when my brother called her to give her the news that I was in the hospital, all she said was "Okay. Is he alive? Yes? Okay. Thanks for letting me know" I stayed in the hospital overnight and she never called. What was wrong? What did I do? Once I recovered, Her and I had a serious talk... She said that she hasn't felt the same for me since we got married. She said that I didn't do anything or not do anything to make her feel this way. She said that she and her personal therapist thinks it'd be best if I left the house for a while so she could "Find herself" and I could "Find myself" again. During this time I did nothing but work and work on myself. When I finally reached out again she asked if I'd been seeing any one and that it's okay if I do. I didn't agree because I didn't want to find anyone else when I know I have my one and only infront of me. That's when she told me that she'd gone on a couple dates with a few guys. I was crushed.... I tried to kill myself that night and if not for my brother, I'd have died.
I never told her this. I didn't tell anyone. By the end of April. She had her cousins come and move her out of the house along with her new guy. She told me that she's been talking to a lawyer about divorced and I said that I'd save her the time and do it myself. I did all the paperwork and she agreed to let me keep the house but felt that she's owed half the equity and that's all she wants so she could have some money to seed her new life in a "Warmer Climate." I knew this meant that she plans on just sleeping around, having fun, and partying until she finds some rich old guy that can't get it up and take him for his money.
I eventually talked her into just letting me buy her off the mortgage and let me put it into the divorce paperwork that she would give me the time to do so... Then the truth came out... I found out on my own. She'd been sleeping with my buddy for months.. She broke things off with him once her and I separated and she found the next guy that would pay for her life.... give her all the things I wanted to. Treat her the way I did.... I did nothing wrong. I did everything right and I still got betrayed and left behind.

So here I am now... living alone. In a house built on a false dream, full of memories that kill me a bit more inside every time I come around the corner and expect to see her there.... Hear her music coming from her craft room, or see her sleeping on the couch with treats and candy wrappers around her from watching her shows.... I miss her.
Since then I've been working on myself.. trying to keep myself out of the hospital and working on myself everyday... My mom had a stroke 2 weeks ago and I've been so busy working, trying to keep a roof over my head, fuel in my tank, and food on the table and in the dog bowl for my dog (She took my other dog), that I haven't been able to drive the hour into town (one of the compromises of buying this house) to see her everyday. I've called my mom every other day, checking on her and what-not... Then my younger brother send me a text that "We need to talk" He shows up that night all kinds of grumpy and mad... Turns out he and my dad both think that because I haven't been able to show up all the time and have been working on myself that I'm selfish and don't care about the family. This argument escalated to the point he and I started fighting in my garage and I won't lie... He won. He beat me to a pulp and all I could feel is that it was what I deserved for letting her get away. So now my family thinks I'm selfish and don't help enough since I don't have a wife anymore, I should be more available to them to help with their issues. I help where I can... But I have to save some for myself too.

Nothing seems to make me happy anymore. Most days I feel the only reason I'm around anymore is to take care of my 13 year old dog that has his own set of issues and is honestly my only true friend anymore. I care more about my dog and my truck than I do for anything else anymore. The house is slowly falling apart more and more and I can't find the energy to fix any of it. I don't have the money fix any of it. I am paycheck to paycheck, slowly sliding into debt again, I've been drinking and smoking more and more... Today is the first day I've stayed sober for more than a few hours and I haven't slept in 3 days. I'm not hungry... I need help and I can't get it because my now EX-WIFE drained my HSA which I was using for therapy that only seemed to help for a short while and show me the easy answers.

I think about selling everything I own, giving up, and leaving everything behind. My friends, my family... All I see for myself anymore is living alone somewhere that I'm not constantly reminded of my failures and memories that haunt me in every corner of this house. I hate it here. I resent ever having tried with someone else. I gave her my everything and she took it and ranaway. Why can't I do the same? She thinks that we're still on good terms because I don't want her to try and take more away from me because I said something. So she occasionally finds a way to tell me how happy she is with someone else and swears I did nothing wrong. She says "We had a good run! Thank you for the memories!"
I can't stand it. I want her to be happy, but why does she have to keep rubbing it in my face that I wasn't enough for her? Why wasn't I enough? Why can't I be enough for anyone? Am I truly selfish for just wanting to do good for myself? If that is really how she feels... Why did she let me have 10 of the happiest years of my life to just act like none of it mattered? None of our struggles meant anything if it was just for a "Good run!"

I just wanted to be happy. I was happy, and I want it back! I want my motivation back... I want my drive to finish a day back... I want to feel fulfilled in my life again. I had it and it's gone... and she doesn't care. My family doesn't care about me. Just what I can offer them. At least my dog doesn't desert me... at least my 15 year old truck has never left me stranded. At least I made another day with out taste testing a .45... but it's never enough.

This is my first step at seeking help outside of therapy that doesn't seem to give me any answers.

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