Ive tried for years to get better but i consistently get worse and i think it may be because i dont have the support i need. I struggle with depression, anxiety,PTSD and some other undiagnosed things.

I try to open up to those close to me about how painful these symptoms are and how overwhelming they are, and they just lecture me and i feel like they judge. Things can be worse if i have an episode so i constantly try to hide them. Buts its getting harder because i cant hold it in and hide it anymore. Its so painful and i wish it would stop.

I was in a really dark place yesterday and i tried to open up to someone and be honest about existing feels yard for me. And i kinda got chewed out i think. Im not sure. I was just told to get it together and be stronger and that what im going through isn't life or death. This confused me so must. They did say how much they loved me afterwards but my brain didn't want to intake that. I still felt hurt for some reason. Maybe it was because i already knew that and have been trying hard but my mental health has gotten in the way.

After that interaction ive felt like i shouldn't talk anymore or much. No one likes when i am honest or try to communicate with them about my feelings. And when they ask and i say im fine they get mad but whats the point in me telling the truth and getting chewed out regardless.

This makes me feel so alone. And it hurts. It seems that i dont deserve to be supported because im so messed up now. I dont want to be messed up. I feel like i have no one. They tell us to build a support group and talk to people and when i try im seen as weird and just underdeveloped. I dont know if i have help or not anymore. I feel like im going crazy everytime i have an episode because im told to stop tripping.

Its not fair that i was forced onto this planet to fill someone else's void only to be left there myself. And told that its my fault that i struggle with mental illness. I dont even know where half of these came from and i dont want them. I wish i was normal so that i can have some support. Ive been crying out for help for so long. And no one anwsers.