Quick background, I'm a fifteen year old boy and have struggled with depression for right around two years now. My first major depressive episode was December of 2010, brought on by a bad relationship in which I feel I was sexually manipulated. Since that time I've constantly felt down, and have had occasional episodes of major depression. This isn't to say I haven't been happy at all, as I certainly have at times. But overall it's safe to say I've spent two years with clinical depression.

Anyway, the past couple months I'd begun to have more frequent depressive episodes, lasting a couple days at a time with general thoughts of wanting to end the pain. Then Thanksgiving week I reached what was up to that point an all-time low. I began self-harming (cutting) as well as becoming extremely suicidal, to the point I was set on attempting. However, I told my best friend this and she got my parents involved. The remainder of that week I was supervised closely by my parents as to not have any opportunity to commit suicide. The following Monday after Thanksgiving break I was taken to a psychiatric hospital for a consultation, and it was recommended I be admitted. My mom was strongly for the idea, but ultimately she left it up to me, and I decided I'd do it.

The mental hospital was a rather unique experience. Even though I'd voluntarily admitted, the first night I was extremely anxious and had a general feeling of being trapped. However, the following days I made it a point to participate in the group therapy and do what I was asked and by the end of second day I felt pretty damn good, and so I was discharged. Ultimately the hospital stay was extremely important for me, as it kept me safe at a critical time and got me started on anti-depressants/sleep meds, as well as getting me set up with out-patient therapy upon discharge.

About a week after leaving the hospital the depression returned in full force, and I started self-harming worse than I had ever before. I also came home during the middle of school last Tuesday intent on committing suicide. I gathered the pills I planned to attempt with, but ultimately just decided to go to sleep instead. Prior to leaving school I'd again told my best friend how I was feeling, and she passed the information along to my mother, who came home from work early, getting home approximately 10 minutes after I would have attempted suicide. So it would have been a failed attempt anyway, and I'm glad I didn't go through with it that day. Re-admission to the mental hospital was what my parents wanted, but even though I see the benefit of the hospital I wasn't really interested in returning, and so I talked my way out of it.

Now just two days ago I had my worst depressive episode thus far, and have never felt more alone in my life. The cuts got even deeper, largely do to extreme dissociation, and again I was ready to attempt suicide. Not sure why I didn't go through with it that night, but I slept on the decision, as I realize death has its negatives. I woke up feeling mostly the same but throughout the day regained a certain level of normalcy that has continued up through now, and I'm not really interested in suicide or cutting at this point.

That's mostly my story thus far, I've continued therapy and am on a prescription of Zoloft for the depression and trazodone for my sleep problems. We'll see how I continue, I know that I kind of cycle with the depression, so just feeling good now doesn't mean much in my mind. But hopefully I can escape the illness, as it's fucked up my life to the point where I'm not sure it's worth living if I have to feel like that all the time. Any thoughts and questions are welcome, and if you want to know more about my situation I love talking about it and helping others so send me a PM and maybe we can text or chat sometime.