I go to work when I have to go to work but outside of work hours I literally don't have the will to get out of bed most of the time. I avoid my friends and my family. I don't take care of myself anymore. I'm due for a haircut in two weeks and the thought of making small talk with the barber is already giving me anxiety. I've always been this way to some extent but it's worse than ever. I used to at least have hobbies and interests but things that used to make me happy do nothing for me now.

All day today, I just layed in bed and read a book while my whole family was downstairs having a barbecue. I went down briefly to smoke a cigarette and retreated to my room, everybody was mad that I wouldn't join the festivities. I feel like i just have a raincloud following me everywhere i go. Everybody was having a good time, and I didn't want to bring bad vibes to the party but good luck trying to make them understand that. They think I'm just being an asshole.

I don't know why I am like this. Everybody else is happy and normal and I feel like I'm not even fucking human anymore. I used to feel sadness or suicidal, now I just feel completely numb. I don't care about anything anymore. I could give a fuck if I lost my job tomorrow. I used to worry constantly about money, now i have thousands in my account and I don't care. Nothing I could buy with that money could make me happy, not long term anyway. I hate myself, I wish I could just be normal