It's getting real hard for to continue to act like I'm doing ok, I've been at my lowest of lows. Between drug addiction to the max, at one point I was doing so much fentanyl that one of my shots would have killed 100 ppl easily. If you're from st Louis area we call them beans or caps I was doing 16 of those a shot and doing 5 to 6 shots a day. I've also been addicted to meth to a pretty serious degree shooting at least an 8 ball every 2 day. Anyways I would continually lie about my habit to my wife, we were married for 8 years and have 6 kids. Well eventually she caved to the ideal that I would ever quit using and she joined me. Well that obviously led to our kids being taken into state care. And my first trip to prison. When I got out of prison the first time I immediately went back to using and was right back in prison in less that 6 months. I also have an extremely bad gambling problem, I've lost three house and 6 cars due to gambling aways the monthly payments. My whole life I've felt completely worthless and inadequate. When I met my wife she changed all of that she actually made me feel happy for the first time ever, and yet I let my addictions ruin my marriage, we are currently separated. I just got out of prison for my 2nd time in April and I have done my very best to stay clean and be straight, my wife is with another man who treats her like trash. And she is still using. I've used a few times now and like I thought it isn't helping me in anyway and isn't making anything better. So what the fuck am I doing?? She is adamant that we are thru and I can't see my kids and not even the drugs do anything anymore for me.. I don't find happiness in life I hate this exsitance and I loath myself always have. So honestly I don't know how much longer I can keep going, I would actually already be dead if narcan didn'te exist.. I tried to kill myself before I went back to prison and some random guy narcaned me in the city.. anyways I feel completely lost and hopeless. And I have no one in my life anymore that I can even talk to. I'm seriously contemplating killing myself and just getting this over with.