I don't know what to do. For the past few months I've been gradually acting more and more chaotic and self-destructive, and I'm starting to get worried that I'm going to kill myself.

I'm 24, with no history of depression or anything. I had a stable and healthy childhood, and a pretty stable and healthy adulthood so far. I'm fairly healthy, and try to be active. I don't drink or do drugs, other than smoking weed on the weekends. I have a great job, and I'm financially comfortable, even though I live in a psychotically expensive city. On paper I look like I have it all together. But around six months ago I started withdrawing from my life, making up excuses to turn down plans with my friends, avoiding my family. I went from running twice a week and hiking every weekend to literally not leaving my apartment for weeks. I stopped turning my camera on for work meetings, and just tried to make myself invisible.

After a few weeks of that I started getting really anxious. I became fidgety, I couldn't sit still, but I had this kind of mental block to actually doing anything useful or productive. Like, I'd open the dishwasher to unload it, just stare at it for 10 minutes, then just go into a different room. It's not that I couldn't muster the energy to do it, it was more like some kind of psychological roadblock.

Around March, I started using sex to withdraw farther. I developed all these extremely detailed fantasy scenarios, and would spend hours every day mulling over the details and fleshing them out in my mind. Then I started seeking them out in real life. I won't go into graphic detail here, but over the past two months it's spiraled to an unhealthy level, and I'm spending huge amounts of time orchestrating these elaborate, aggressive, degrading encounters with strangers, and risking getting pregnant, or getting STIs, or being in a physically dangerous situation. I'm doing this almost nightly now. This isn't like me at all, my sex life and dating life have always been healthy and "normal" and unremarkable.

I've developed a new habit now where I'll get stoned, have one of these destructive anonymous sexual encounters, then go for a drive in the middle of the night and just aimlessly cruise around and look for places to kill myself. I'm constructing the same kinds of elaborate mental scenarios, and really deeply visualizing the details, but instead of being about violent sex they're about suicide. And now I have three or four of these scenarios that I've latched onto and I revisit those spots on my night drives so I can really picture them. I do this whole routine almost every night.

I truly don't understand why I'm doing this. My life is pretty good, I don't have any real reasons to be depressed, and I don't feel sad. I'm just acting really self-destructively and I'm not sure why. If anyone here has experienced anything even remotely like this, please shoot me a message, I'd love to pick your brain a bit.