I guess this is a rant of sorts. I fucked up. This has lead to my partner and I taking a break until both our mental health's are better. I still see her as we have a daughter and try to make it normal ish for her. She has been so understanding of my fuckup that I don't feel I deserve her. I'd crack the world apart if it would make her and my daughter smile. I have had so many dark thoughts recently I can barely sleep. Being in the room knowing were taking it so slow is hard feeling starved of her touch just to feel her hand I'm mine. I know she feels similarly but for us to both get better this I'd the better option for now. Holding myself back is a struggle because I love her so dam much. I am reaching out for help but therepy seems expensive and extortionate. I spoke to somone about some sessions and felt as soon as I described not being in a financial situation to afford it at the moment he was blowing me off. I feel like I need to visit my dad's grave but struggle to get the drive to as I feel I don't deserve anything. Like how he would be disappointed in me and its eating away inside. I hope the meds I'm getting help and that I can get some counselling that helps too.

Thanks for reading about how much I hate myself etc