I really don't know what's wrong with me. One of my closest online friends has started giving me the silent treatment, and acting weird around me, and won't tell me what's going on, and it's sent me into an anxious, paranoid and depressed spiral. She didn't even wish me a happy birthday, even when she was reminded of it.

Another friend I've known for years has also started having issues with me, the difference is I know what they are, and they're not something I can fix, so I'm pretty sure I'm going to lose this friend as well.

The combination of these two had my mental health spiralling, I called helplines because I was so overwhelmingly sad (and my therapist is on vacation this week), plus I cut myself for the first time in years, I've been a mess.

But then another friend emailed me not long ago with a gift card for my birthday. I didn't even think we were as close as that, but she said I deserved something nice. It got me thinking about other people who have done things for me in the past few weeks. The couple that stayed up long past their bedtime to wish me a happy birthday at midnight, and bought me a gift when they really should be saving money. The guy I'm interested in buying me a game so we could play it together. The friend who put all their plans aside on my birthday to spend time with me. I complained to them all about the two friends who are pulling away, and they put up with it.

I feel like a horrible person that I'm so affected by these two close friends hurting me, it's blinding me to all the good other people are doing for me. I just don't know how to refocus on the good people in my life when I miss the other two so much. Any ideas on why I'm doing this, and how I can stop it?