How did things get this bad again? Oh, it actually wasn't my fault this time. I guess I can feel a little better about that, but not really. Everything that helped me feel better is gone. I had found a group of friends where we felt like family. I was hesitant to let my guard down and accept that, but after nearly a year I decided that it wasn't worth ruining a good thing by being insecure, so I did let my guard down and let myself be vulnerable, and for a brief moment, I got to experience something wonderful where people helped each other and supported each other and we even said we loved each other, and I believed it and was happy for the first time in a long time. But then that fell apart because people are fucking stupid and assholes and I was a fool to think that anything that good for me could last.

I have multiple, severe cognitive disabilities that don't affect my intelligence but affect my ability to function. I've been denied multiple times for disability support even though I'm going to be disabled for life and they keep getting worse with time. Now I have to go to some hearing in front of a judge and basically justify by own existence as valid and in need of support.

I thought I could finally trust my father, but a few days ago he was having a bad day and decided to take it out on me since he said I was "an easy target". So now I don't feel comfortable at home at all because when is he going to take his bad day out on me next? He apologized but he didn't say he wouldn't do it again or that he regrets hurting me, only that "he's only human" and "no one is perfect", even though if I had done something like that to one of my other family members and given him those reasons as defense when confronted, he would've called me on my bullshit. I thought things had gotten better with my father, but every time I think we've both grown, he hurts me again. This time he was just generally mean, but also called me an "it" just because I'm transgender. I thought he accepted me, but apparently he doesn't get it and doesn't care to get it.

Where is the hope? Where is the light at the end of the darkness? What is the point of all of my suffering? Why should I bother enduring if enduring is all that I am going to be doing for the vast majority of my time in this horrible world? I don't want to endure anymore. I'm beaten, worn, and tired. I just want to rest finally.