I get up, do the same thing and wait until I can go back to bed. The only reason I try to keep it together and push through is for my kids. But without any support and actually my ex making my life harder I find it unbearable at times.

I have gone to therapy for the last 7 years, I have tried every medication there is available. I just feel like I’m broken. It’s easy to say, just get up and push through. You don’t live in my world and know what a day is like. You don’t have my past trauma. You don’t have an abusive ex and parent on your back. I know these all sound like excuses. But I’m trying and I just feel like I’m running on a treadmill and not getting anywhere.

However I’m so thankful for my children, they are my only joy. My only friends and the reason I push through. But I know I need some form of identity for myself. Because eventually they will have their own lives.

I want to have someone to share life with. I want a job my Chilean be proud of me for. I want to be more than what I am today. I want to get out of this hamster wheel of a life. I just want to actually feel happy again.