Just what it says in the title. Been one and a half years in college, and it seems like I had invested my time in the wrong group of people. I already struggle talking to people, so I was nothing short of a miracle when I thought like I finally had a small group of friends, especially when I'm living in a dormitory, away from my home.

But they turned their backs on me real fast. Or maybe they never were my friends to begin with. I had missed the small signals or had chosen to overlook them. How I'd always be the one to reach out to them, call them for lunch, dinner or constantly text to ask if we're going to class together. Isn't that how it's like in a group? You hang out together.

But they'd call my roommate to hang out with her and never me. If I asked them, they'd say calling her also meant calling me since we're basically in the same place. But most of the times, my roommate would never even say that they called, she would simply leave and I'd get to know that yeah, they hung out, cooked together, etc from their pictures posted online.

The only times they'd reach out to me were when they needed help with college. Need class notes? Need me to explain stuff to them? They'd call or text me immediately. I realized it all too late that the only times THEY contacted me on their own were times when they needed me for something. I felt used. Everyone calls my roommate for the fun stuff, and people remember me only before exams.

So when one day I stopped reaching out to them on my own, a week or two passed by before we talked again. That too, was when they needed something. So when I stopped being all cordial with them, they stopped talking to me altogether. Now? Even my roommate doesn't talk to me. The room is always fucking suffocating because you can always feel the palpable tension between us. The thing is, nothing happened between my roommate and I. She stopped talking on her own one day and even though I'm fucking seething in anger and want to beat the crap out of her lol, I'm also confused as to why this happened.

Anyways, so basically they have stopped talking to me altogether, they don't call me out to eat or hang out together, or anything basically. I walk into the canteen and see them all sitting and laughing together and I feel so fucking mad. Like, what's so good about my roommate? Is it because she fails all her classes like them lol? It's like, I would LOVE to confront them one day and cuss the fuck out of them but, they keep avoiding any confrontation.

It's already been two months of this and I feel like shit. Because I literally have no one else to talk to. Everyone has their own little group and I feel like a stranger trying to force myself into their circle. The only person who is eager to talk to me is someone who is sketchy at best, I do not want to associate with someone who cries because I came first and she didn't.

We had a couple of holidays coming up, and I could go home-- where I could finally relax and unwind without having to think about these shitty people. But not anymore. And that's another fucking story. I called my Dad out for yelling and humiliating mom. And yes, he does that. He's abusive and a narcissist and no, there isn't any way I can convince my mom to divorce that asshole because that's how our society works. He's the reason why I am so wary of men in general, but that's another topic. He was being racist and humiliating my mom so I made a comment on his appearance too. It wasn't the most appropriate thing to say, but you can't just expect someone to think straight when your mom is being insulted like that.

Now we're not on talking terms either. It's been a week, I came back to my dormitory and we haven't talked since. He told my mom that he'll forever remember how I had insulted him and chosen her over him. He's giving my mom such a hard time that I feel selfish talking to her about my problems too.

On one hand is the fact that I'm completely alone in this college, with nobody to talk to and on the other is my Dad, with whom I think I ruined my relationship forever.

Pardon my English as I'm not a native speaker. Is this even the right place to post this? I can't seem to bring myself to study anymore, it's been a week.. I've lost my appetite, having trouble with sleeping and have basically lost interest in everything. I'm cheerful whenever someone speaks to me but I'm dying inside. The only thing I like is probably playing games on my phone. I spend hours on it because it helps me keep my mind off things. But then I feel so awful afterwards, my eyes hurt and I feel guilty for wasting that much of time, but I do it again. I try to convince myself that I don't need these people, that I'm happy with my games, my books, anime, kdramas. I try to convince myself that I don't need them because heck, people who come first usually don't have friends anyways because everyone is jealous of them. But I'm tired of being in denial and I feel like there's this void inside of me that doesn't fill no matter what. I'm crying as I type this. I feel hopeless, but there are people who have it so much worse and I feel like I should be ashamed for being so worked over such a little thing.

I'm sorry for being weak but I want to be loved. No, I don't want to text my problems to somebody, I want to have someone HERE with me, in person. I want to be prioritized too, I want people to remember me when they go out to eat or hang out together, not when they need help with their studies or notes. I want to go back in time and take back what I said to Dad, even though he deserved every word of it. I want to stop feeling angry and hurt whenever i see those people laughing together without me. I want to feel normal again.