it‘s a 4 week gig and just 5 more days, but yesterday I decided to quit. I want to go back home. I just can‘t anymore.

it‘s way too much responsibility. I‘m not ready for that yet. I need more training and experience. and a teacher. learning this stuff on my own doesn‘t work.

anyway, I decided to quit yesterday, but today I got the info that hr won‘t be able to send a replacement and as long as I‘m not being replaced by someone, I can‘t leave. I have no other choice but trying to make it through somehow. or just leaving but that would leave the rest of the team unable to work. and according to my contract I need to stay until I can be replaced. only exception is being sick. unfortunately mental illness doesn‘t count as sick, unless a psychiatrist attests that I‘m mentally unable to work. well, good luck finding a psychiatrist willing to see me on short notice when I‘m someplace else everyday. and I don‘t have one back home.

hr managed to get me local support everywhere, which is a huge relief. but I‘m crushed that I can‘t go home.

it‘s just 5 more days. I try telling myself that I can make it, but I‘m closer to a mental breakdown than I‘ve ever been before.

continuing this a couple of hours later - had to work in the meantime.

I feel surprisingly good. my local support was great. a really kind and understanding guy who gave me great advice and feedback. constructive feedback.

I have a coworker I can‘t stand. the rest of the team is awesome, but this guy sucks. he yelled at me yesterday and the day before for making rookie mistakes. I guess he tried to give me feedback, but basically it was just listing mistakes when I was already feeling really bad. not a single positive thing. that was what crushed me and why I decided to quit.

the local support guy today was the complete opposite. I asked him for feedback after we were done and he was super kind, gave me great advice, which he made sure to word in a helpful way. it wasn‘t much, but all I need for now. the things I have to work on first. and he praised me for the things I did good.

I honestly can‘t put in words how grateful I am, and how much better I feel. isn‘t it crazy how much a single person can influence someone in such a hugely positive or negative way?

I still want to go home, but suddenly toughing it out doesn‘t seem like an impossible task anymore. surprisingly, I‘m even kinda happy rn. hopefully, it‘ll go on as good. but even if my local support only does half as good a job as the guy today, I actually feel like I can do it without the looming mental breadown happening.

and when I‘m back home, I won‘t leave my bed for 3 days.