appearantly what I do isn‘t good enough. I had two really bad days and I messed up things I really shouldn‘t have messed up. I admit that. I know those things were my fault. but I‘ve been doing good before. and I did a fucking good job yesterday. unfortunately the people who get to decide only get to see/hear half of what I‘m doing due to the nature of our work. they can‘t judge the other half. they have to trust the rest of the team to make sure I‘m doing good.

and they don‘t listen to a single thing I say. no matter what. even if it doesn‘t have to do anything with the part that caused issues. like yesterday, they didn‘t like something that is required by local law. I tried telling them, but even though it looked like they were listening to me, I felt like they didn‘t accept it because it was me telling them. we‘ve established a workflow that worked well the last two weeks, but suddenly it wasn‘t any good anymore today. change everything.

fortunately this job only goes on for two more weeks, but today I was told that there‘s a replacement only waiting for a call. they‘d be on there way immediately, and I‘d be sent home the instant they‘d arrive.

I‘m doing really bad mentally. I couldn‘t see my therapist for 2 months because they were sick. and I can‘t see them until after this job, because we‘re working all over the country. we‘re on the road half the day, and work the other half. worst thing is, the first day I was doing really bad I also got my period. I‘m a trans guy, and the constant pain and bleeding totally fucks me up mentally. it‘s like someone flips a switch in my mind and I go from being fine to being a complete mess the instant it starts.

and while everyone accepts me the way I am, they have little understanding for the issues that come with my body not fitting my gender.

I had to listen to this cis woman telling me „it‘s not that bad, I‘ve worked while on my period too“. it‘s like a neurotypical person saying „it‘s not that bad, I‘ve been sad too“ to a boarderline suicidal person.

if I weren‘t in dire need for the money and absolutely in love with the part of my job that doesn‘t involve dealing with extremely difficult people, I‘d quit. but I keep telling myself that it‘s just two more weeks. I can do this.

but the replacement thing was like being punched in my guts.

honestly, I hope I catch covid now, that way I don‘t have to deal with this shit and get paid anyway.