I can't even attempt to express how depressed and lost I am right now. I'm divorcing my wife of 4 years. She is no where close to the person I married and though she expresses love it is hollow when actions say otherwise.

I met someone a year ago and cheated really on both of them and when they found out I came clean to my wife and she was good enough to stay and allow an open marriage. My affair partner was so loving and stuck with me. I knew I had to choose and took too long so my partner met someone and crushed on him and even though it didn't work out she broke up with me. I've held out hope and we remained friends. She's now homeless and I thought I would help and let her move in when my ex was moved out. Well last night my hope was crushed and I pretty much lost it and said a lot of things I regret in pain and some anger. I basically told her to talk to her crush they had been avoiding each other because he is a forest of red flags and she got upset and went no contact but they work together. I told her to ask him to take her in and see what feelings he had and what kind of guy he is. Plus some other unsavory things she had said to me that she didn't know hurt me. I was wrong and it was vengeful. Now I don't think she will ever forgive it, and she won't accept my help and I think really hates me. Everything I do turns to shit and those I care about I hurt and I never wanted any of this.

I know with all I've done some will say it's karma and I'm just a shitty person and yeah I am. I don't really deserve anything. My heart feels like it has been shredded and has for a couple months. It's been all I can do to not cry every day. I still love her even though I know my behavior was bad and I still care. I don't want to see her homeless. I want to be her friend at least and I really fucked up.

At this point I hope broken heart syndrome is real and I hope I am a lethal case. I did not mean to hurt her. I really wanted her to see how much I love her and care, but she just says I am manipulative. I don't think I am, but she thinks chat gpt is the know all of all things, and whatever it and people that don't know me say is the only truth. I really just wanted to be there for her. Now I am alone. lost my best/only friend. Lost everything that matters. I spent so much helping her I may not even have enough gas money until payday. I am so stupid.