Hey y’all, new here. So I (24M) was on another subreddit when I saw someone say they were demi. I’d seen the word/label before but never gave it any though. The person, in their post, gave a little bit of an explanation about what being demi was (to them) and I though “Wait a minute… that sounds kinda like me!” So I started looking into this a bit more and found myself being more and more confused about if I really fit the role. I understand the whole “it’s a spectrum” thing, but I feels weird to have felt any sort of relation to something I only just learned.

I fanned through a few posts here and I suppose I learned a bit more than my prior research lead me to, but I’m still not sure if I fall into the demi category. So I’ll present my evidence and implore you kind folks to help me learn about myself:

1. I’ve been in one (1) relationship before which only started after months of being friends. While I’m currently single again, in the past I had caught myself thinking that I didn’t want to go out with someone I wasn’t already friends with.

2. I’ve always considered myself to be “in-tune with my emotions, leading to me finding it hard to get along with people I don’t know very well/couldn’t get a read on. But once I get to know someone, I find communication x1000 easier.

3. I DO have sexual urges and personal desires, but the thought of casual hookups and sex with no meaning behind it is something I find unappealing.

4. (This might just be a fundamental misunderstanding) I have a want for both genuine companionship and a sexual partner, but my desire for someone to call my “emotional anchor” has alway come first/outweighed my want for anything carnal.

5. When I look at people I think are hot, it’s usually an aesthetic attraction. While I do have appearances I’m preferential to, it’s never been like “I wanna have sex with them”, more of “I wanna enjoy their presence.”

6. (Because I saw someone bring it up) After my previous relationship, (see point no. 1), it took me an extraordinary long time to recover and even consider finding someone new. Granted it could have just been the aftermath of a first relationship ending, but 9 months of desperately wanting someone to emotionally latch on to followed by about a year of wanting isolation doesn’t seem like what a lot of people I’ve known have gone through as a result of a breakup.

7. I’ll also mention that I am still a virgin; referring back to my first relationship, I had no desire to date until later than those around me, and even then, it was more about just living life with the other person.

In the end, I’m mostly just perplexed. Idk if what I’m experiencing is just the pangs of living life as a straight guy who can’t get a girl to save his life, or if there’s actually more substance to what I’m feeling. Being demi doesn’t feel real to me yet, and maybe it’s because I’m not. Maybe I’m misreading 100% of the signs and am just looking for an excuse to slap a label onto my problem of wanting emotional connections in an age where everything is digital and I have a harder time understanding anyone because I have to look at them over Zoom instead of over a table. I’m confused, but then again, I guess that’s why I’m here asking the people who have maybe been through something similar.

Sorry for the long post: my head’s been going a million miles a minute these past few days and I have chronic case of rambling; I’ve had this thing in my drafts for hours trying to think of what all to say. I’d never been concerned about peoples’ identities because we all are who we are and that’s always been enough for me, but being on the cusp of learning about this has been like putting a spotlight on a part of myself I didn’t even know was in the same room. Confusion and questioning are all a part of the process though, so getting some second opinions here would really help me to figure all this out.

If you’re still here, thanks for reading my word salad… it helps a lot. To all those out there questioning like me: be well, you’ve got this!

[P.S.] If any of what I said was offensive, please let me know so I can reword. I’ve never interacted in-depth with a community like this before, so I don’t know if anything I’ve said is foul play. I’m here to learn and pick up some info along the way, plain and simple.