I'm completely lost and without identity right now, and yes, I probably should seek therapy...but I don't trust most therapists/therapy hasn't helped in the past.

To get a bit of background, I grew up with a LOT of sexual/relationship trauma. I was recklessly having sex with people both because I was too afraid to say no due to PTSD from previous sexual trauma and because I had a really intense libido coupled with a lack of love, touch and general nurturing a child should have growing up. On top of that, my mom was a terrible role model when it came to relationships and I fell into her ways at a young age of having sex with people just to survive and keep a roof over my head, not really putting any thought into the relationship at all, just please your partner and everything will be smooth sailing.

About 5 years back, I had a really traumatic relationship that really woke me up to the life I was living and who I was as a person, I didn't like what I saw. Part of that journey was realizing that I wasn't sexually or romantically attracted to almost everyone I've ever had sex with, I just thought I was because I never had a healthy relationship model to base my relationships on. Queue my deep dive into the ace/demisexual community and coming to terms that I was demisexual.

But now, I'm not even sure I'm that. I have people flooding my dating profile with likes and such, but out of hundreds of people, I hit the like button back once or twice. I also have come to the realization that in order for me to be even platonically attracted to anyone, not only do they have to be very kindhearted, have decent communication and politically motivated, but we also have to have mutually enjoyable activities and a close bond and unfortunately I feel like my standards are way too high and I am expecting too much, but I know I would not be satisfied otherwise and most people I meet don't fit the bill of what I want in a friend, let alone a partner. I'm beginning to think I just might not ever be attracted to anyone, ever again.

I have the largest circle of kindhearted friends I've ever had at this time in my life, but unfortunately, it feels lonely and empty because almost none of them enjoy what I enjoy. I'm either broken, or I'm on the ace/aro spectrum and I can't tell which and if I'm on the ace/aro spectrum, where am I on it? It's not like I don't desire sex, or a romantic attraction, or a close platonic connection....I want these things very much, but it kills me that I can't experience them even remotely. Halp?