Okay let me give some context without going deep into my own personal story and traumas.

For starters: I'm a 24 year old person (afab) who identifies as non-binary. I use they/them pronouns.

Okay let's get into the meat of it all:

For as long as I can remember I've always fallen in love with my best friends. I've always battled with myself and those conflicting feelings. Do I love them as a friend or do I want something more with them?

I have found that nine out of ten times when I confess my feelings towards a friend of mine, they always tell me that they view me more as a friend and don't want to pursue something more. I respect their decision and continue on with my life. However, through my own healing journey through therapy and memories popping up here and there, I've come to the acceptance that I have fallen head over heels for my best friends.

Furthermore, I find myself not really interested in other people nor do I find myself interested in hookup culture within itself. When I do my own research online I am constantly at war with myself because there are so many conflicting sides, information, etc. For instance, I know that demisexual is under the asexual umbrella. And I have found myself to be the type of person that if the opportunity arises and I am in a healthy relationship that I wouldn't be opposed to having sex with my partner.

Honestly speaking, I would probably end up having a high sex drive if it's a good and healthy relationship. But I wouldn't go out and have sex with anyone. With my own trauma I have a freeze respond and cannot articulate what I want when I want it. So there has to be a deeper connection there.

Continuing with deeper connections and connecting it with the first point, many of my friends that I have had deep and rich connections with I have found falling in love with and wouldn't be opposed to having a relationship with. And yet, I'm still here being attracted to fictional characters and also finding people attractive as well too.

I have seen online where people speak on demisexuality and saying that someone cannot be demisexual if they find some random stranger attractive, or even a fictional character attractive. What I'm getting at is seeing, reading, and hearing conflicting information has left me in this weird gray area.

I'm not sure if I am considered as demisexual or not. I don't even know if I fit the quote on quote "stereotypical demisexual" box or check list. I want to learn more but I also want to be comfortable in my own skin. I'm open to clarifying/answering questions as well too because I would like to get to the bottom of this by speaking to those who are far more along in their journey than I am.

I'm still at the beginning of my own healing journey and self exploration so I know that I've got the time. Any input on this would be fantastic, thank you.