I havent posted here before, but I figured that if anyone would understand, its you guys.

Background: My grandmother is the strongest, most independent, badass black woman that has every walked the planet. She has stared down the worst types and made them turn a new leaf. She would give you the shirt off her back when you needed it, abd ask only that you be honest. She was smart, methodical, and patient. Patient above all else.

I watched her go from a vibrant socialite to a shut in recluse over 4 years. I tried in vain to help at every point but she just became more and more parinoid.

Finally 2 years ago, i made the choice to put her in the care of the dementia unit in a new city. It was the best I could find without draining her finances in a matter of months. And that didnt have a history if dirty and unsavory staff.

She has declined so much in those 2 years. She went from happy, confused, and mobile to a vegetable state.

I just got the call last night. Hospice says they dont think she will last another 24 hours. 24 hours. Thats it. Thats all I have to wait to not see her suffer anymore. And yet I cant do it. I feel like Im waiting for my own death. Its just too much to handle.

But I will be fine eventually. It just hurts. I have so many regrets. Most of which is that I cant bring myself to see her last breaths. I dont want that memory of her to be my last. And as dignified and proud as she was, not to mention her ceaseless worry about me, neither would she.