What's afterlives? Does it exist? Or it's eternal sleep

I guess in the end nobody understood how much trauma, sadness, pain, loneliness, and without love I had since birth. Now I'm really back to how I feel that I wish I never exist. I envy how others are able to smile carefreely with their parents, friends and partner while I have been holding it myself for nearly 3 decade. It's very unfair even when others who are playboys who able to just make use of girls and find another one easily while I'm fighting just to survive till this day. I'm really tired.

I wonder what my life would be, if my mom had not abandon me? I probably would not have been so depressed and probably might be studying till diloma at least. I probably will still be how I used to be so tidy in my belongings when I was a kid. How I can really be happy infront of others while actually holding a very heavy bag of darkness. I'm just going to sleep and wake up and cry till sleep all the way till my birthday and Xmas and spent the remaining days of 2023. I wonder why euthanasia isn't supported. Is it better to let people live and suffer than leave with dignity and peace?

Ah, I wish I could have ever felt what's a motherly love. Crying while typing this makes me a loser that everyone says nobody would want a loser. Hahaha.

"I hope that someday, you'll be reunited with the one you cherish." - Isla To myself who does not have someone, a place for myself.