This time of year is generally hard for me. Like most in here probably, I have a pretty emotionally abusive/manipulative family and more than anything now, I just get really depressed and sad about it. I’m past trying to keep any hope they will change because they refuse to.

But my god, how do you handle all the fucking happy families all around you who actually seem to want to be around each other (other than once a blue moon). All I’ve ever wanted is to actually feel cared about deeply, and from my family, I never have.

It gets especially bad on MONDAYS why?! And also gets bad after I leave my bf or have any sort of “nice” time with friends... it’s like i can’t have a nice time without feeling depressed when I eventually find myself alone after being around people who make me happy. I just feel hollow. Like I come back to my house/city (I’m in a LDR with my bf) and I just don’t feel like I belong. I don’t know what I’m doing in life and I hate it. Just floundering around trying to figure out how to have a life that’s fulfilling blows when you don’t know what would accomplish that is torture.

And of course part of me is always scared I’m just gonna be too boring or too emotional or too much in general for the people I do care about and who make me happy.

Uhgggggg Monday’s fuckin suck as do this “cheery holiday season”. More like let’s all stress about money and think bout how messed up our family is. Plus a surgery in a few days where I’ll probably be puking my guts up. 😔