I have been doing therapy for a year and was really messed up by a 15 year marriage to a covert narcissist. I didn’t realize the extent of the damage his abuse and manipulation did to me (and our kids)…I’ve been healing, working on myself and getting to know myself again for the past year and a half. (We filed and he moved out in June 2021 so been single most of 3 years since then barring one relationship).
When I meet someone with really good qualities: emotionally open, self aware, kind, thoughtful and intelligent I move towards them but they always seem to want a relationship really quickly. (Like within 2-3 dates). The intense interest and enthusiasm always makes me pull away terrified.
I usually end up saying I’m not ready yet and can we move backwards to being friends? As soon as I feel like I’m safe from the pressure and can just spend time with them without expectations, then I can start to develop feelings.
I don’t know if it’s because I’m anxious/avoidant or if it’s because it takes me more time to build trust…can someone help me with some questions that can give me some insights into how I figure out if this is my FA (fearful avoidant) being triggered or if I just really need time to learn to trust someone? Why does everyone seem to ready to jump into a relationship within a few dates? When I decide I’m in, I’m IN. I get super vulnerable and attached easily when I let my guard down. Doesn’t it make sense to take ones time? How long do you think it should it take to know someone enough to risk a romantic relationship?
Do I just tend to date people who love bomb or rush things?

(FYI, I found out my ex husband was still legally married until a month before our own wedding, was on “Adult Friend Finder” and cheating during the marriage. He is a compulsive liar, covert narc, and became a raging ass-hole during the divorce (and to the kids once custody was settled)…our oldest doesn’t talk to him and the other kids don’t like him but see him because they have to. Giving this info for insight into my previous experience)

I want to have a healthy relationship sometime soon but I’m terrified of choosing wrong and the kids, me and them getting hurt if we end up breaking up.