I had my divorce this week and I have to admit it hit a lot harder than I expected. I was prepared, mentally and emotionally. I thought.

And now this quote keeps going through my head over and over again. I don’t think I could have prepared.

I mean, I’d already moved halfway across the country. A couple weeks prior to the divorce, I followed through on a plan in motion for over 6 months and I moved. It was for the best. We both needed separation to make sure we didn’t find a reason to chicken out or change our minds.

So there I am, new town and angry and depressed so I start hitting dating apps and get a bunch of dates lined up and even follow through on some of them. I’m in the “Damaged 4 Damaged” category of fellow 40 ers who are going through the same thing. And this was my plan: a self-destructive hedonistic binge, with clear up front transparency. I for sure do not want to bamboozle anyone with my intentions. I was purposely looking for short term because I narcissistically need the dopamine hits due to this divorce

So out of numerous women in the market for the same short term thing, one kinda sticks out as someone I think is super cool. We text back and forth a lot and obviously click, but nothing I would say is in “deal territory.” I don’t think either of us needs to ask if the other likes us.

Now, I have concerns that I’m succumbing to some biases:

1. As far as having friends, I’m currently starting from scratch and she’s my first new friend, so part of me is very interested in her because I have no one else and I feel I may be clinging

2. Being in a relationship is my comfort zone and I haven’t yet grown comfortable being single

3. I’m comparing / contrasting to my ex and purposely finding things I like

So we were texting recently and I was very transparent in where I’m at mentally and emotionally and how I feel. She’s great and I’m attracted to her and I want to hang out together and then there’s also this current emotional baggage that will basically be a throuple with us.

She says hey, cool, all green flags. Well, that kinda hit me weirdly. It’s like “really? No red ones? None?” Because dude, I’m basically red flag city. And her saying that is a red flag to me. And yeah, I think it’s fair to say people who are single in their 40s and 50s have a bunch of red flags. You can just about fill the Grand Canyon with what we don’t know about each other.

And that’s where I’m seeing that we’re both getting tunnel vision. Which worries me.

What do?