Imagining this might be a bit controversial but hoping people might approach this with an open mind and provide honest feedback. TIA for any input...

TLDR: After struggling with dating women my own age, I've found that "sugar dating" can be not only an ethical and fulfilling experience but also incredibly enjoyable for both parties. It's many things to many people, but to me it's NOT prostitution, exploitation or anything that keeps it in the fringes.

OK, first the basics. I'm a fairly conservative 57M divorced for 3 years after a 22 year long marriage where in the last 7 years there was no intimacy, no connection, no partnership and ultimately no chance. After the dust settled I was actually looking forward to dating again, hoping to prove to myself that I could find amazing people to spend time with and start to heal myself. But even starting that journey, I knew in my heart that I wasn't ready on any level for another committed relationship in the immediate or foreseeable future.

I knew it wouldn't be easy. I'd heard the horror stories from both men and women but maybe that's the predictable result when so many people are looking for such different outcomes. But I was looking forward to the process and not the outcome. To meet someone, feel a spark, find common interests, go on dates, travel - and ultimately maybe decide one or both of us wanted to move on. And that would be OK. Sparing gritty details, as a man "of a certain age", sex is definitely important to me but I don't think it would land in the top 5 of what I was actually looking forward to. I hoped it would be there but I could definitely imagine a great, exciting and compelling relationship that didn't necessarily include banging on the kitchen floor on the regular.

My start at dating was probably pretty typical. Setups from friends, women I'd met before who I thought were interesting, etc. I even found the courage to approach women in restaurants, airports and (yes) a grocery store or two. Transitioned to some of the more common dating sites where I guess we all get the expertise in judging a potential date in 3.4 seconds before swiping left or right. I kind of limited my search to women ~ 10 years older or younger than me (what would I possibly have in common with a 28 year old woman?) who seemed to share my interests and most importantly my perspective on dating - i.e., I'd love to meet an amazing person but that's lightning in a bottle so let's get to know each other first.

Getting dates was never a problem. Not that I'm some kind of special catch but I think most 40 singles realize dating is a contact sport - at some point you gotta meet in person. I went on some incredible dates and some that I really regret. Probably sounds familiar to most. And all of the positive and negative experiences were amazing - not to mention affirming that I am most certainly not ready for a relationship. And that's where things got...complicated.

In just about every one of these dates with women in "my appropriate demographic range", at some point the topic of "So, what are you looking for?" comes up. Appropriate question, not gonna argue that...no matter if it's in the third date or the third minute. I quickly found out that my broad answer of just having fun/exploring life/meeting great people was not easily accepted by most women. You could see it in their faces. When "serious relationship", "commitment" or "marriage" wasn't included then I'm immediately branded a player, immature, shifty, a scammer or criminal at best - or at worst a potential predator/rapist. I'm obviously generalizing but I found myself in more and more dates that started so great but ended abruptly over that issue. One woman literally stood up and without a word turned and walked out of the restaurant. I'm no social scientist but I'm sure to many people 45 , the prospect of spending your golden years alone is terrifying. I get that. But to me that pales in comparison to the bullet I had just (painfully) dodged - spending the balance of my life miserable in a loveless sham of a broken marriage.

So naturally, from that point on I led with that when I met anyone new. Put it right out front. And it definitely saved me and others some valuable time getting that out of the way. But predictably, the number of people I was able to connect with dwindled - as well as the quality. But I was far, far, far away of being desperate enough to start telling lies just to get dates hoping they might ultimately understand.

Ok, here's where the inflection point comes in. I'd eat at a local restaurant 2-3 times a week and had become friendly with a number of the bartenders and waitresses. One in particular - "Elaine" - was a super cute and friendly 27 year old with an amazing personality. She was working 2 jobs, going to pharmacy school and had a 6 year old son. She hadn't ever shown me any particular attention but we both would frequently bitch about how hard dating was for each of us - (see above for my issues) she struggled with non ambitious guys her age who thought a date was Doordash, Netflix and playing video games until 3 AM.

So one night as I'm leaving, she gives me her phone number and asks me to call her. I'm not expecting much since one night she had asked for my help getting her keys out of her locked car. I call her the next night and unexpectedly she asked me if I knew anything about mutually beneficial or "sugar" dating. I didn't know much honestly but I'll admit that a vision of Anna Nicole Smith sitting on the lap of her 97 year old husband in a wheelchair flashed through my head. Based on what she heard from me, she said she thought we'd be great for each other in that kind of a relationship. I immediately felt dirty and thought this would be me becoming a "John", paying young girls for sex. Not the story arc I was looking for. But "Elaine" said she'd done it 2 times before, both with positive results and proceeded to explain why she felt sugar dating was the most honest, ethical and fair relationship type for two people looking for the same thing. She was convincing. And as I listened to her, I began to realize that she never mentioned sex or intimacy or banging on the kitchen floor.

I was intrigued. So of course, I consulted the interwebs and found out that there was a wealth of information about the topic (a source said that in the city in Texas where I lived with a population of 2 million, there were almost 2.300 girls with profiles on a popular sugar dating website). A lot of the info was pretty lurid but I did run across a number of professional academic sources who advocated the practice and plenty of inputs from "daddies" and "babies" who described very healthy and satisfying experiences. But to assure you I wasn't wearing rose colored glasses, much what I came across was a very thin veil for out and out prostitution. Fortunately, I found it's easy to spot the people - men and women - looking for something "transactional".

So "Elaine" and I decided to discuss if it was right for us. Over 3 dinners, we talked about what we were and weren't looking for, what our boundaries were, availability, communication, expectations about honesty and candor with the other person. We touched on what might happen in the bedroom and it was mostly about communication and less about positions we preferred. And yes, we talked about what her expectations were for her "allowance". It was ironically the most open and direct conversation I've ever had with a prospective or actual partner.

So we started. And for 7 months I can say I had the most incredible relationship with someone that I can recall. "Elaine" is a bit of a unicorn in that despite being comparatively young we were still able to relate on so many topics and our conversations were nothing short of epic. And she might have been an Oscar-worthy actress but I truly felt she enjoyed the time we spent together as much as I did. Amazing dates, a trip to Las Vegas and another to Los Cabos, a sprinkling of small arguments that resolved quickly, home cooked dinners...and yes our time in the bedroom was incredible too. We had our time together and we had out time apart. Also worth pointing out that with the exception of me buying her small gifts, spa treatments, some shopping (all my choice), the topic of money never came up. Never. We agreed on it up front and never discussed it again. My fear of becoming a middle aged ATM was exploded.

All of this opened my eyes to how this could be an incredible option for some people (not everyone) and how appreciative I was to have stumbled into this. But my true epiphany was when "Elaine" came to me and said she had met someone she wanted to date exclusively in the "traditional" sense. I'll admit I was a bit disappointed since I definitely had feelings for her at that point, but it took about 15 seconds for me to realize I was actually happy for her. As dry as this sounds, how we chose to end our relationship had been as much of a part of our original discussion as how we wanted to start it. I still didn't want a relationship but she definitely had discovered she did. I'd been a jealous person most of my life but I felt none of that then. None. I was genuinely happy for her. And for once, a relationship I had been in didn't end with shouts, tears and lawyers - and deciding who gets to keep the couch that I never really liked anyway.

This has ended up being much longer than I intended so I'll summarize. Dating is an absolute minefield but one that we seem ready to dive into despite the dangers. There are infinite forms of dating and relationships that wind up working for people. If our ultimate goal is happiness, trust, respect and compatibility with someone, then there might be alternatives out there that we immediately cast off out of instinct - but might be just the thing we're looking for.

Postscript: "Elaine" is happily engaged and we still communicate from time to time. Since then, I have had 2 other very amazing "sugar" relationships that unfolded the same way as my first. One was 26 and the other was 46. Age is not a defining criteria for me - honesty, respect, compatibility and communication are. Had some absolute shitshows too but eggs and omelettes, you know? I've abandoned "traditional" dating for now but open to exploring it again if my circumstances change.

Good luck to all. This search isn't easy - but maybe it's not supposed to be. Happy to debate/expand on my point of view with anyone but this isn't about evangelism. You do you. This is about understanding.