So earlier this year me and my now ex girlfriend of 3 years broke up in a disaster and it was all my fault. I really messed up early on in our relationship about 10-11months in by deciding to sleep with another woman who I worked with who was much more mature than I (25m) and her (40-45f). It started off with me thinking using my other head and just shooting my shot at an older woman, we never had ever officially talked before because we worked at a large franchise company but I was surprised and got her number. I texted her the next day and we both immediately agreed to a "one time thing" after a few texts here an there through the day. After it happened everything was fine and normal and we were both mature about it and acted like nothing ever happened, then about 3months go by and she asks me if we would do it again she craved me and said a lot of things to get me to sleep with her but I rejected her and told her that I would like to remain faithful to my girlfriend from here on out and we both agreed it was one time and that was enough( forgot to mention she was divorced for 12 years and has 2 daughters and hasn't slept with any other guy apparently that whole time) after some more pleading and almost begging in a somewhat sexual tone of voice and body language she just drops a huge bomb on me and says " well I could always just send your girl friend our text messages through Facebook" (obviously easy enough to find on social media which I didn't have her on any) and I went into a panic mode since I had already regretted it and was feeling so guilty and never wanted to hurt this human being feelings by her finding out i really started to care for her so I agreed to it so that night after work we get in the back her car do the deed and I'm out thinking everything is done this time she won't bother me again...nope I was wrong another 3months go by now I'm being cold to her and ignoring her at work just saying hi and bye not acknowledging everytime I walk by and eventually she walks up to me and asks if everything is fine I've been different and trying to make small talk and eventually starts with the flirting again and once I reject her already knowing where it was going she immediately pulls the same card and says she was going to send my girlfriend all the messages we had that day on Facebook so once again in a panic thinking I really care for my girlfriend and I don't want to break her heart in such a horrible way I do it again. This happens a total of 6 times in a span of 2 years. Now covid is starting to be a thing and she eases up on the flirting at work and sexual looks etc etc....now there's a new face working in her department really pretty young woman(22f) who was really an outgoing bubbly flirty person who I just so happened to get along with extremely well. Our 40-45 year old friend started to notice that I was giving 22f a lot of attention at work so to say and got jealous and went out her way to tell 22f I was a bad guy and that I had a girlfriend(found out it was her at a later date). About an hour goes by and 22f walks by and says I heard you have a girlfriend that sucks to be you and keeps walking with a sarcastic laugh. I thought nothing much of it other than I guess I was oblivious for the 3 weeks I've known this girl she was trying to sleep with me(I also found that out after). So it's about a month now I've known 22f and one day I'm finishing up work and she pulls up to me in her car and asks a simple question and drives off about 15 seconds later 40-45f pulls up to me in her car ( this is an important detail her pulling up to me in her car was also how she would sometimes tell me when she would come back to pick me up after the verbal blackmail during the day) and asks me "if I was flirting with 22f "and I simply said "yes I flirt with everybody or I'm just being extremely enthusiastic she replys "so you don't want to sleep with me anymore" I reply " I've been telling you for a while now I don't want to do this anymore and that I've been wanting to remain faithful with my girlfriend but you blackmailed me so no I don't want to do this anymore I'm sorry I cant" ( we had some awkward drives which led for time to talk when driving to a spot) she simply says fine and drives off and I thinking nothing of it anymore....that horrible night just had to come that same day eventually I get a call from my girlfriend of 3 years drunk which is unusual and she sounded angry and wanted to come over but told me everything was fine blah blah she gets to my house and doesn't want a hug or kiss and right away I knew something was up we get to my room she starts packing her things very slowly and asks me if there anything I'd like to tell her and my heart dropped I thought "no way she really sent her the messages" and I play it dumb and say" no what's up?" "She replies anything you wanna tell me" again..I say" what is it what's wrong?" She says " You hiding anything from me" I say "no" she immediately replies "Don't lie to me!" As she slowly crawls up the bed towards me and lays next to me her hand on my chest and my heart is racing at this point faster than any moving thing on planet fucking earth for that whole minute which felt like eternity shes telling me to just tell her look her in the eyes and tell her so I eventually muster the strength during the eternity of a minute and just spew yes I cheated on you with Blank(40F) she packs her essentials in 5minutes and leaves in tears I have a horrible night drank 6 tall cans of beer and a whole 26of jack Daniels honey whiskey black out outside in my driveway and wake up knowing it was done for looking up at the sky with every horrible feeling I was almost blindly suppressing for 2years(simple way of saying it)... about 3 weeks go by I still have to see this lady at work and act like everything is fine but 22(f) was still cool with me and heard I was single and asked for my number so we could hangout and we did at a co workers barbecue that weekend and we hit it off by having a super great night she even made out with me while we were both a lil tipsy. We started to talk and joke around just like we would at work for about a week and ended up sleeping with each other keeping things hush hush at work just acting like nothing happened for about 3 months we were sleeping with eachother about once a week or sometimes 2 weeks just as friends with benefits since at this point she already knew everything that happened and what I did and she was still okay with me and what I had done and understood why I made a poor choice instead of saying something after the first time which my ex had said that very night she broke up with me....so I caught feelings for this girl (22f) she had so much in common with my ex it was bizzare yet unique and different but still so much a like and then she had to head back to somewhere about an hour and a half away from where I live but I don't drive.... And she said that it would be different now that she isn't in our area code anymore and that she would be focusing more on herself and getting her priorities right and we had a good goodbye. Now that she's gone though our relationship hasn't been the same she doesn't message me or sometimes will take days to reply or not reply at all and I can't seem to get her out of my head. I try not to message her because I don't want to be pushy or weird or seem like a creep......during some time though my ex has forgiven me and we do talk again but strictly as a friendship by my choice because of the amount of guilt and shame I'm carrying I'm still having the roughest of times forgiving myself....

Sorry if this doesn't make sense I skipped alot of small details byr I'm drunk crying and needed a release 7months even after it all. Anything helps thanks bros!