Dear crush….

I have always liked you since the beginning, but didnt know I really liked you until you told me you were talking to someone. My heart stopped a little. I was just hoping it would fall thru secretly. Then it did. I kissed you the night it did and you rejected me. The first time i had been rejected. It hurt. I started to hate myself for not letting you grieve. I think we both knew we liked each other but were too afraid to tell each other because of the age gap. You would always ask me to come over and told me you liked when i came over and always had a good time. There was always this awkwardness when i left as if it shoulda been more. I would tell you i didnt wanna date bc of the age gap, but really it was bc I knew u were a cheater. I did it for my own good even tho it was so hard bc something like this never happens. The match was insane for something so spontaneous. We had a falling out and i cut my ties to keep my dignity. Shortly after, you got a gf. I wished i had told u my feelings but at the same time know u wouldnt be good for me. Everything about you was perfect except for your unfaithful habits which i knew would destroy me. I thought we would remain friends at least. I never took you for granted and knew how lucky i was but was confused bc i knew it couldnt ever be anything more. I miss you. Even just as a friend. I sometimes wonder what would the outcome have been if i shared my feelings. I knew you woulda been cool about it, pretty sure you would have assured me you wouldnt cheat on me in order to make it work bc u wanted it too. But i could not live wondering if u were every day. I miss you on my good and bad days, but when i feel lonely, i think how we probably would’ve been hanging out if you weren’t dating anyone. When something goes wrong, i miss you more and just think how you wouldnt have ever done what those guys did. I think how i wish i could talk to you and hug you. I have only felt this way w 2 other guys, I know what im feeling is true, but of course, it must be complicated….