This is a long story over the course of almost two years now? I’ll try to summarize as much as I can without leaving out details but I’m sharing this for advice and for anyone else that might be going through the same situation or has. If you read this thank you. Let’s starts.

My bf and I met long distances and dated that way for almost a year and a half. He came to visit me in my state once throughout the entire relationship. We had our up’s and downs but we still stayed together. For some context and setting, the story begins with me having got back from college. I went to a college out of state and then after the semester, went on a trip. After the summer trip I took I resided with my mom. Throughout the relationship he had his own apartment, car and job. But then he lost his job. I was understanding but tried to encourage him to get a job. Us being long distance, I really didn’t have any idea if he really was job hunting or not. I just had to trust him (🚩). Fast forward to about a month or so after the trip. I get a text from him saying that he’s getting evicted from his apartment and that he only has 48 hours to leave. I’m a very emotional person and I worry a lot so I started crying. I didn’t want him to be on the streets nor did I want him to not have his own place. His response was to laugh at me and tell me not to cry and that it will work out (🚩). I asked if he could live with his sibling, friends, aunt (anyone he knew at this point). Friends: he asked as many as he could and only one said yes, sister: hell no, and aunt: out of town for a few months. He said his sister would help him pack his things and move/put them in storage but she wouldn’t let him live with her (🚩).

(Now before this, I had tried to visit him ((all expenses paid by me)) and at first I was going to surprise him and just go (thankfully I didn’t). When I talked to him about it he said we should wait.)

He then asked me if my dad would let him sleep on his living room floor. I was like I’m sorry but that’s not a possibility. My dad doesn’t know him. I could tell that made him feel discouraged and I felt bad so I made the decision to talk to my mom and dad about it. At the time I was planning on moving out of my mom’s house and had talked to my sibling about us living together. To makes a long explanation short, I asked my parents and sibling if my bf should move here and move in with me and my sibling. My sister (the sibling) was okay with it and approved of it as long as he helps with bills, chores etc. my parents though were NERVOUS. They didn’t like how it sounded at all (understandable and honestly in hind sight they were right). After talking more they agreed as well (I was in love with him deeply okay please don’t judge). So, he moved here. When he got here everything was like a fairytale and perfect etc etc. Until I found out he had been messaging other women the entire long distance relationship. Not just one or even 5 on Facebook. I couldn’t even count on multiple social medias. Don’t even get me started on his list of porn links saved on his phone. Now, looking back at it that isn’t even what hurt the most. What hurt the most was find messages between him and his friends about me. (One time he went to a concert with his friends and he texted his best friend “if ((female artist)) wanted me I would drop ((my name)) so fast”) 🤡. I confronted. He cried and apologized and lied about anything else being on his phone. There in fact was more on his Snapchat. He deleted his social medias (on his own I didn’t ask him to). I forgave him 🤡. He had just gotten here and I wanted it to work. So from there I learned he is a compulsive liar, insecure, and (I feel) manipulative/toxic. Don’t get me wrong either, I had my own toxic moments with not trusting him and in the relationship. So, we apologized to each other and we moved on.

Fast forward to now. Almost two years living together.

We are both working. Him in fast food and me in an office. So, when first I started my job, I ended up getting really sick and had to take off almost two weeks. While sick he had been working longer than me. He’s always been the type that hates working but is a hard worker. He had a few jobs since coming here, so he knew this one needed to be the one he stuck with so he can save to help towards us moving out. I also had a few jobs but most of them weren’t making me much to be able to afford saving and spending on bills etc. this job I have now, if I wanted to I could move into an apartment with my next paycheck so I was set in stone on him saving and me saving so we can move out within a month. Then got sick. Also, to add he works nights/graveyard shifts and I work 8-5.

Our relationship has been going smooth and steady until one day when his work called. He put it on speaker and I was on my phone. It started out as a regular “you need to come into work early” call but then when he explained that he goes in late and wouldn’t be able to come in earlier, the woman said, “(bfs name), get your pants on, take a shower and come in”. I instantly got annoyed because I feel like that’s a tad unprofessional for her to be talking to him like that. She was also cussing. But also he’s my bf so I was a little annoyed because who likes their partner being talked to shitty?

After the call I asked him who it was because to me it sound like she and him knew each other and she had mentioned a coworker named Phil, which they both knew and worked with. He got really annoyed and frustrated with me wondering and asking. We argued and that was that. He made a point to say that his work life is his work life and I don’t need to worry about it because he will take care of it. But, he’s never acted like that or said that before. Which made me suspicious of him. I left it alone. The next following day he started staying 2 hours late. It started out maybe one day every week to two weeks. Then, it was every single day. He would come home and mention how Phil (coworker, supposed to be a manager) is the reason for them having to stay late. He said Phil makes them deep clean. He would come home and either complain about Phil or he would say he hopes Phil is working that night.

Now, at first I was understanding about it. Work is work. But, when it was everyday I started wondering if he was telling the truth. In the midst of me being severely sick, I decided to ask. I didn’t confront him with an attitude or try to fight with him. I just simply asked him why it’s everyday. He got frustrated and started saying how it’s because of phil etc etc. Again, I dropped it. It didn’t sit right with me at all so then communicated my feelings to him just to get some kind of reassurance and gentleness. He got frustrated and reassured me that he isn’t doing anything and that it’s just because they have to clean. He turned his location on (I didn’t ask him to) and honestly it helped. While sick I didn’t check on his location much at all.

One night he came home and told me how he had to take Phil to a hotel. He explained that Phil is transferring and not going to be taking the management position after all and that Taco Bell is putting him up in a hotel until he transfers. I mentioned how I didn’t like that he’s talking home someone who he complains about/makes him stay at work late and for the important fact that we don’t know who Phill is or what kind of person he could be. Reasonable reason to not want him to give strangers rides but that’s just my opinion. I didn’t question it further because I didn’t feel like fighting. life went on.

So, one night he went to work and I fell asleep. I woke up around 7am (his schedule was 10-4am) and he wasn’t home yet. I got worried and checked his location to see him at a hotel. BUT, not the hotel he said he dropped Phil off at. ANOTHER HOTEL. When he got home I played it cool. We laughed and talked but I ended up asking him “did you drop Phil off today?”. And do you know what he said? “No”. We argued because I told him I knew he was lying. Then, somehow even though he lied to me, I was in the wrong.

Since then we had a lot of ups and downs.

He’s still been working but I feel like nothing is working or changing on his end. I don’t want it to seem like I’m perfect and it’s just him. There’s a lot of stuff I’m having to change and heal. But I feel like he’s got no passion for wanting a better future or relationship. I feel like he’s just using me for a place to stay or so I’ll take care of him. There’s car we use was given to me from my dad. I’ve bought him clothes, shoes, a jacket, etc. my dad has given him money, clothes, etc. my family and I have done a lot for him. After multiple fights and even my dad talking to him trying to get through to him, I decided if we move out we need to live apart ( he didn’t like that at first).

I originally was wanting to live together but with everything and how I know he is,I don’t trust that he would fully take care of me or be responsible money wise. Even with me stressing about us needing to move out he made jokes about quitting his job and getting another.

We have talked and talked and talked. And the conclusion is he needs to save money to move out. When I said that his response was always “how can I save when I have to always buy stuff for the house”. He is getting paid 11/hour every two weeks. And when he set up his payment for work he signed up for something called “daily pay”. He gets paid per day. When he knows he should be getting a full pay check. And since getting the daily pay there’s only been very few times he’s actually had to use the whole amount he earned for one day to buy stuff.

Anytime I tell him he doesn’t make me feel loved sometimes or tell him my feelings he’s always saying “but” or “how”. And even if I explain myself further he still says “how”.

Does anyone have any sort of advice? I love him and I really wanted this to work out but I feel like if I stay and if I end up deciding to move and him move in with me he’s going to put all of the expenses on me. He’s overdraft on his bank account. I think he’s got some debt but he keeps a lot of his finances secret. He spends money on Pokémon Go.