I took a gap year for JEE preparation, so when I joined college, the immediate seniors were the same age as me. To explore more and engage with campus life, I joined a club where I met a senior. I was drawn to her because of her reserved nature—she seemed like an introvert but was very serious about her ambitions.

For some reason, I started performing well in that club. Maybe it was for my personal growth, or maybe I was subconsciously seeking some appreciation from her. Even though she wasn’t in my specific domain of the club, I’d always be ready to help with any tasks where she was involved.

We mostly talked professionally. I never explicitly showed any personal interest in her and kept things formal. Sometimes, I’d ask her questions about academics or other stuff and offer help whenever she needed it—whether it was for building her resume or working on journals.

Over time, our conversations kept happening like this. Now, she has graduated. I’m pretty sure she’s planning to pursue MS (US), but I haven’t asked her directly.

I didn’t ask because I’ve been through a rough phase myself—like when I took a gap year for JEE prep—and I know how uncomfortable it feels when relatives or friends constantly ask about your plans. She’s the type who’s academically excellent, elegant, reserved, and very mature. I also believe her applications are quite ambitious. She even left Instagram, probably because seeing her batchmates moving forward and sharing updates is hard for her. That’s why I avoided asking about her plans, to respect her space.

Here’s where I’m struggling: I love being around her. I’ve grown so attached that there was a moment when one girl showed interest in me, but I said “no” because I couldn’t imagine being in a relationship with anyone else. At times, I feel it is way too transactional and formal. I always take first steps to either wish on special days but I just think what else shall I even talk with her?

Sometimes I wonder if I’m being an idiot or just completely unrealistic. I’ve never dated anyone before, and I can’t stop wishing that somehow we could end up together.

Am I being foolish and simp for holding onto this feeling?