I dont know whats going on in my relationship. At times I feel like I am being gaslit, sometimes I think I'm the bad person, or sometimes I think I'm overthinking too much. I feel like I'm genuinely going crazy and I feel like I am in a numb place. I'll try my best to summarize everything up that has happened in my relationship, so this is going to be a very lengthy post. I apologize for this.

August 2023

My bf and I met on a dating app, we were talking online and on the phone for this whole month.

September 2023

We officially started dating, he came over for one sleepover and it lasted the whole year. Everything was amazing we were in awe of each other.

October 2023

Went great again. Still in that sleepover that never ended. Started to feel like I have no space or time for myself as I am a very independent person. Started to feel like I could not hang out with anyone but him, tried to tell him and he would say go and hang out I'm not holding you back.

November 2023

Relationship-wise, everything was good, but I found myself getting irritated. I tried to express to him to stay at his place and let us have some time apart. Went on his laptop to do work as mine was not working. His email was open, and there were multiple, like hundreds of logins from Twitter. the logins were only dated for when we were not together. I went onto the Twitter website; his password was already saved; I logged in. I went to his likes; it was all sexual content. It was him watching a specific type of individual. (I look nothing like it)

** I do not need men telling me to let it go; I am against this; I firmly believe it is cheating; I was actively having sex with him.

He then gets an email on his phone that twitter was logged into, he starts spam texting and calling me. He comes back to my apartment, and he starts packing his things up (literally for no reason, we didn't even discuss anything) he tries to speak to me and I just say get out, I start panicking only because I was in a manipulative relationship before him and the whole scene caused me to panic (not because I wanted him to stay)

He ends up convincing me its his friends doing it because they are f'ed up people.

December 2023

Trust issues, almost broke up but we didn't. Started expressing to him I want to be taken out on dates, he does not put in any effort

January - April 2024

All good, still have trust issues

May 2024

We went home for the summer we will not be seeing each other until September again (we met in between just not sleeping over and stuff)

June-July 2024

Started having fights, almost broke up.

At one point he got super angry with me and yelled at me and told me to get out of his car. All because I told him when he took a turn at the light he was in the wrong (he almost crashed into the other car, the car was turning at yellow, he still decided to go)

He tried to gaslight me and tell me I was not looking so I did not see what the other driver was doing. I was looking the whole entire time (mind you this guy started officially driving 1 month ago)

Always picking fights with me for some reason, that sweet gentle caring man I fell in love with was gone all of a sudden.

August 2024

Still having fights but his birthday came around I saved up and bought him an almost $200 perfume he was wishing for.

September 20204

Finally back together in our college dorms where we can spend time together. Heard from someone that when your man goes randomly cold there is someone else, so I decided to take a look into his phone and I found messages between him and an old friend he liked before..

I woke him up and told him to get out, messages consisted of him asking her to meet up only for 20 minutes, telling her he did nothing for his birthday, and that he will drop her anywhere she wants to go.

Confronted him and he started begging on his knees saying nothing happened, he didn't meet her because she never showed up.

At first he tells me that shes so easy to talk to and that shes the only one that gets him

Then he tells me he was talking to her to let go of his past and get closure (she blocked him out of nowhere they were best friends for only 3 MONTHS)

After a lot of begging and manipulation he ended up staying

October 2024

Confronted him about the twitter and told him I know its him, and he agreed and owned up to it. Always telling me I don't trust him and stuff and picking fights whenever I ask for reassurance, tried to tell him take me out on dates but nope nothing.

Had a bad fight regarding something and he tries to leave, but he only took little bits of his stuff to his place, and he started coming back in and out, when he could have taken his things all at once and he's just being an ass to me. I started having a panic attack seeing that, he tries to calm me down, and when Im calm, he says "you know I wasn't going to leave you, I'm sorry for being a douche, I was only doing that to make you realize you don't want to break up"

November 2024

Started to realize that he might be gaslighting me, he likes to twist my words and create his own definition of whatever I say. He likes to think for me, and say things how I most definitely don't mean them.

Found a new person blocked on his snapchat, which is weird because he never blocks anyone, he is not on quick add where people can see you and add you. So she must have searched him up or he searched her up. Its a totally random person, whats confusing is why is she blocked he could have just declined her request. Confronted him and he's like why don't you trust me

December 2024

He starts picking fights with me whenever he wants to do something alone, he didn't meet me for days.

Asked him if he can try to be more romantic with me and take me out on dates, since I miss how it was in the beginning when he would randomly surprise me with flowers, he just ended up fighting with me. He said I only consider if something is a date when money is involved when I specifically prefaced the convo with saying I know you don't have much money but dates literally don't cost much it only requires effort, like at home dates like a spa/massage day or a walk in the park.

My friends start telling me that I am being manipulated and I need to leave as he is giving me narcissistic traits.

PRESENT

and now I'm here.

Im lost, I love him or I think I'm too attached to him. I sometimes feel like leaving would be the best option. He doesn't even take the time out to build trust, I have asked him to go to counselling or maybe watch those couples videos on youtube to try something together, he refuses to do it. I feel like I am so unproductive with him, I'm constantly in fight or flight, I don't know. Can someone help me realize what this type of behaviour is, should I leave? how do I leave, everytime I try he does something to make me trauma bonded to him.

here are some things I cannot put a date on because I don't remember when it happened:

1. shoved me and it hurt my ribs

2. ripped my teddy bear apart because he was angry we were breaking up

3. calls me stupid and then he tells me he was just joking

4. thinks I'm always being dramatic

5. says I'm asking "questions and questions and questions" all because I asked if I should leave the room door unlocked so he can enter