I (31 F) had been very close to a guy (28 M) at work. We were best friends. He is in an open relationship, his first non-monogamous relationship as the woman whom he fell in love with is polyamorous and he wanted to try it out.

We have discussed both of our connection repeatedly. I had never told him about my feelings. We were planning to move in together as room mates at some point. We both were looking to move and he asked if I wanted to move in together which I agreed to. We also saw a few places together. Two days before moving in together he told me he had feelings for me. But the next day, he came to pick me up and told me he talked to his gf and they decided to try on a long distance relationship and continue their relationship as she was moving back to her home country for a year. I felt rejected and didn’t feel it was healthy to move in together, so I withdrew from moving in together. When I asked him about him telling me he had feelings for me, he said it was a joke and he was playing with me. This was back in April. Because of my withdrawal, he was quite upset but we solved it slowly and we were back to being friends.

We never kissed each other or did anything physical that would cross a boundary, but we were close to each other and always touching each other. Would joke about kissing, touch each other a bit much. We also have talked about having sex if we were both single and he says we are going to fuck before we finish our contracts. He also told me he loves me (we both told that to each other).

More months pass by and everyone at work thinks we are together. Our friends are commenting on our closeness but none of them know he is in an open relationship.

One day, he asks me and our friends, what would you do if you think you have found “the one”. Would you go and tell them? My response was it is for them to figure out and I will let them figure out. A few days later, we are having a minor squabble, I don’t remember what it was about, and he tells me “you told me you will let me figure out for myself, so let me figure it out.”

He is also sharing his frustrations about being in an open relationship, as he gets really upset when his gf is on another date or looks at another man. I don’t think it’s going so well for him, but I don’t comment much on it as he seems really upset over it. On retrospect, maybe I do, as I kinda had always been more supportive of a monogamous relationship (I understand it’s not for everyone, but I didn’t feel it was for him, but it might be my projections and biases as I don’t think I have any right to decide his sexuality and orientation). He also says, she is distant with him and he saw her on other dating apps which upsets him, but he doesn’t want to confront her about it.

Then July roles around, I go on another date, he goes on a few dates himself. My date goes quite well. His dates also went well. We were talking about the dates and I got upset. I feel I was scared to let him go and it made me sad that his date went well too. When we were talking after the date, I ask him about us and then he says “do you think there is no turmoil here? Our relationship is quite a bit of turmoil for me”. And I ask him do you want us to stop interacting like the way we do and he says no, it will be fine and we will see how it goes. But he also can see I was upset about something. The same day, we go on a drive, and he asks me if I had feelings for him. I told him I don’t want to say. Then he showed me the song from mac miller about soul mates from Good will hunting. It goes something like“ If you are scared of taking the first step being scared of the next 1000 steps, you are going to miss out on your soulmate”.

Then I admit I have feelings for him, and he says it was kinda obvious, but he doesn’t want to date me as I am not polyamorous and we are colleagues. He also says he thinks his parents are soulmates, (I think mine are too), and he thinks soul mates are supposed to come together no matter what, after facing a lot of obstacles, because fate brings them together. I don’t believe in fate, I think people make choices and life is the consequence/effect of those choices. (I don’t know how much of it is free will, I don’t think we have free will as a lot of our choices are based on nurture and nature).

Then I asked him if he wants me to wait for him, first he says; if I think he is worth it, I should. But later he says, I shouldn’t, I should move on. He also told me I am affecting his relationship negatively and if we were to be in a polyamorous relationship, I would affect his relationship with his gf and he would resent me for that. I apologized for affecting his relationship negatively in the past as I think it’s a bad thing to do. I also showed him a list of why we would and wouldn’t work together, (We had decided to read that at later date and had a calendar date set for it, but I didn’t think it was going to happen as I thought we weren’t going to be friends anymore. He cries a little bit after reading why we would work together, as I wrote it kinda like a poem. (I am really into poetry). I have added the poem as an edit in the end.

He asked if I wanted to discuss boundaries and I said I don’t want to be friends anymore, I just want to be colleagues. I took a break from work for 1-2 weeks, the next time I went to work, we had another conversation. He partially asked me if I wanted to be with him and his gf, but I didn’t let him finish the question, cause that was not something I wanted (I might have misread him, as I didn’t let him finish it). He also asked if we could forget the whole conversation and go back to being normal and I said no, because it’s gonna hurt me in the end. He was upset over it and was crying. The next day, he comes back with a neck full of hickeys and deliberately tries to show it to me. It was the second time he comes with a lot of hickeys. The first time was when I made him cry cause I didn’t want to move in with him anymore. I felt he was really inconsiderate, but didn’t talk anything about it as I was going on a 15 day trip through Europe with my friends.

When I came back, we met directly at a cabin trip with my colleagues for work. He was there too, and he came back from a trip with his gf in her home country as her grandmom passed away. I acted mostly normal during the cabin trip, treated him mostly like a colleague and kept treating him like that for quite a long time. He asked me to hang out with him 1/2 times after the cabin trip, but I said no. I also stopped inviting him whenever I was hanging out with our friends, as I was more of a planner. But I insisted that he should go when someone else is planning and made my best friend invite him to her house warming which he didn’t attend.

A few months passed, a new colleague (24 M) arrived for two weeks on exchange and me and him got on so well. Let’s call him Tyler. Tyler and my ex friend were friends from before. We all are really into movies. Since this new colleague and I were geeking on movies one evening, I invited him to go watch a movie with me and my friends. Then l get a message from my ex-friend asking me to take a ticket for him as well as he is Tyler’s 1. This confused me as we weren’t hanging out outside of work or with our friends before this event. So I told him I thought Tyler was my plus 1 as a joke. And I went to talk to him and found him crying. He asked me to fuck off when I asked him why.

The next day I asked him again why he was crying, he said it was because of all the other colleagues were invited but him. It feels shitty to be left out. And I am stealing all our friends. I told that was not the case as I invited only Tyler and he could hang out with our other mutual friends if I am not the one planning or inviting as I withdrew from events whenever someone else planned. He said he doesn’t feel the same when he hangs out with them anymore as it’s not the same without me. He also suggested that we should go to therapy cause our separation isn’t going healthy for us and we should talk to a third party which I denied to. But after a month or two, after another squabble with a mutual friend over mine and ex-friend’s relationship, I suggested we should go to therapy which he hadn’t responded to.

I think he lead me on quiet heavily and he didn’t expect me to completely cut him out of his life. I also feel he was quiet disrespectful and inconsiderate towards my feelings in general the entire time we were friends. But am I the asshole for ruining his friendship with other people? Am I also the asshole for ruining our friendship?

(I might be a biased narrator as it’s only from my side).