To give some context: at the beginning of 2022 I went through a bad break up and I was at a low point with little friendships to help me through it due to moving to a new country and working a lot. I casually dated a few people with some reservations because I still wasn't fully over my ex.

In the autumn of 2022 met a great girl but it was only going to be fwb and it was fun, but I struggled trying not to catch feelings and making this a relationships and I think certain frustrations came out in a negative way, she knew exactly what she wanted and I wasn't sure what I truly needed. At the beginning of 2023 I met someone and it really started to go well; so I had to call it off with my fwb who I was still seeing. I knew it wasn't right if this gets serious.

She worked a typical 9-5 with weekends off and I was the manager of a bar, so my hours and days off (to the best of my ability) wasn't always the most consistent. So trying to spend time with her all the cost a lot of my own me time on my days off and my sleep as well on my late nights. I struggled to communicate all of this and it eventually lead to a lot of disagreements and misunderstandings to where it ended... I also think some of my quams from fwb relationship seeped in as well.

So from the end of summer 2023 to the present I went on a lot of dates, I was in a brief relationship with a girl for short of 3 months, had a couple one night stands met some really amazing people which I was excited for something to start up before being ghosted. To a burn out from my promotion at work to an area manager of multiple bars where I called off dating all together for just over 3 months. And getting back on the apps have had worst results, I paid for a subscription till mid Christmas season, barely had interest to go on it all for most of the time. Most of the matches have either died or we got the number exchange and then it died. So nothing much as really come from it. Until just recently.

I matched with someone who is in hospitality as well, unfortunately she is in the side if managing coffee shops so her hours are early mornings, where most of mine are evenings. We've been talking for just over six weeks now, we meet once and too my surprise we hooked up on our first meet, which I had no intention to. But some odd things made think that she was hoping for it. We've still been talking on the daily some days more than others. But I recently met up with a friend and he asked to see what she looks like and her WhatsApp photo isn't very clear so I went on the dating app we met on and he scrolled through and I noticed she updated a photo and I felt uneasy since then. We tried to meet up the other day I was able to move around my schedule to match her day off she said don't worry about it, she was going to the dentist and they had to use gas on her due to personal issues so she's usually not 100% for most of the day. We chatted for a bit and by the time the evening hit she went completely radio silence when she was meant to be home, she doesn't usually go that quiet.

On our first date we talked about being in our 30's and how much of a different struggle it is. And how we can only focus on one at time because our social life is nearly non existent with how busy we can get. And it was great to hear, she's not the biggest social butterfly similar to myself. I know it's early and we haven't even mentioned committments, but with everything, it just feels somethings that shouldn't exist in my 30's?

But with my confidence at an all time low, and now these random aspects has my already broken trust in people making my mind wonder, when it shouldn't. I feel more lost, uncertain and paranoid then I've ever felt. I went into 2024 thinking I'll try and do better and all it's felt like is one disaster after another.

TL;dr It's been one confidence break after another and the current girl I've been seeing is making me question so much that I've sunk even lower in my own dread.