I need some advice, I F20 don’t know what is happening in my relationship. My boyfriend M22 has started to take every single thing that I say and twist it to apply a whole other meaning. Like today my stomach is not feeling so great and I keep having to use the bathroom. So I asked him can we go to my place after you are done eating, he said just take my car and go. He also said stay here and I said no I feel gross because it’s. guy only apartment that’s super nasty and I do not want to catch something sitting on that toilet (I’m already hovering and layering toilet paper on the seat, I have to bc my stomach hurts).

I said I can just walk (it’s right across the street) he said “why” I said there’s no point in doing that when it’s right there. He then said “just wait until I’m done eating” so then I repeated that I had initially said that let’s go once he’s done eating. And then he started to get upset and he starts shaking his head and saying “bro”. I repeated it again because when he does that it makes me feel like I’m the bad guy and I said something wrong. So I asked him are you going to come later (we always sleep together), he said I don’t know (he’s watching some gamer stream).

I don’t know what I said next, but after that I asked again are you going to come, and the only reason I asked again is because my room door has a lock and I need to let him in, in case I’m sleeping I would like to know if I should leave it unlocked or not (he has a fob to the apartment unit not my bedroom, it’s a student housing).

He then got so upset at me and he’s like stop confronting me, and then I said I don’t like when you shake your head and say “bro” instead of conveying your emotions to me or making me understand what you mean. And then he proceeds to say “question after question after question”. It’s so out of the blue. I just quietly left. I feel like in this relationship I’m the only one who tries to speak calmly and understand his perspective but he is so angry all the time, he refuses to understand what is going on. That whole conversation could have been avoided.

I don’t know what it is but when I listen to couples podcasts and stuff I learn that you should always try to understand the other person, even if you think they may be wrong, try to understand them and hopefully correct what’s happening because at the end of the day it’s just one misunderstanding. So I understand that he probably didn’t hear me, but I repeated myself to tell him that’s what I originally said, so he sees I didn’t want him to stop and drop what he’s doing. I feel like he doesn’t get that, is it called lacking empathy or understanding?

I don’t know, all I know is that he was never like this before, ever since we have been apart for summer break (summer break is may-August we lived at home, we have been back living together since September on campus) all we did was fight. He refuses to be the bigger person. Sometimes I feel like I need to record our conversations so I know what I said, so he doesn’t twist my words. Sometimes I start contemplating that maybe I did say something.

Another example was this afternoon:

we stayed at his place for the night then we came back to my room and we saw that the chicken I left outside had been out for hours (we have been at his place for more than 10 hours, the chicken was left out for more than 15). I initially thought he put the chicken back in the freezer as we were going to his place, and he did not, I vaguely saw him doing it (I was going to the bathroom or room I don’t remember).

So I told him we should throw it out it’s been sitting outside for hours it’s not safe to consume. He’s like yes it is and I said no it’s not, so I searched it up to show him. And he said it’s only been a few hours after it’s been defrosted and that he checked before we left to see if it was frozen or not and he claims at the time it was not defrosted so that’s why he left it out. And I said but it should have been defrosted by then, as I left it out hours ago. He then says do you know how much chicken that was it was not defrosted. And then I’m like but it had been more than 5 hours how could it not be defrosted. He assumed that I said that I checked if it was defrosted.

But all I said is I ASSUMED it would have been because it had been hours. And then he says why are you lying, you are saying that I didn’t check, do you know how much chicken that is. And I said I’m not lying and then I repeated myself again about the assuming stuff. He then got all quiet and started watching on his phone and I asked what do you want to eat (we were hungry that’s why we came to my place) he said nothing and I said okay I’ll wait for you and he said “bro just eat” and I said I’m waiting for you I’m not that hungry (he waits for me when I say that I’m just doing the same thing and I told him that).

He said “bro” so I got up and left to take a shower. I come out and I make chicken wraps and I gave one to him and I said “I’m sorry for being rude”. Honestly I truly don’t think I was being rude, I think I just wanted this silent treatment gone. He didn’t acknowledge when I walked into the room (he always says hi or he does something to show some affection).

Because of his actions I assumed he was mad, I want to understand why he was mad when I get that it was just a small little misunderstanding about the chicken and it doesn’t have to be a big deal and ruin the rest of our day. I feel like he drags our arguments for the whole day by giving me the silent treatment or telling me nothing wrong when clearly something is. I get that he might have an avoidant attachment style so I try to study that and apply the techniques but nothing seems to work.

I ask him every time do you need time alone and he says no but when I try to talk to him (even stuff that is not related to the argument) he’s so quiet and he acts annoyed. So I’m stuck waiting on him to feel better and my day is ruined, I genuinely feel like my day gets ruined because he’s in my room he’s looking like that but I can’t do anything else or I’ll feel guilty. I wait for him to talk to me but he never brings it up and he just continues to act that way and makes me feel like I’m the bad guy by saying “why are you acting like that. What’s wrong” and I try to tell him nothings wrong I’m waiting for him to tell me what’s up.

Sometimes I regret not recording a Conversation because I swear I said something else. I feel like I’m going crazy. I hate when my day is ruined, I need to sort the problem out at least in a few hours not at the end of the day. I have to study. I have things to do. I would understand if he said he needs space and he goes to his room, but he stays in my room so I’m obligated to do nothing, and that ruins my mood. I can’t even tell him to leave because I think that rude and I should be so much more caring than that.

I’m sorry this was a long rant and sorry about my grammar I sort of typed this up all emotional.