TLDR: I’ve been with my BF for 6 years now, lived together for 5.5yrs of that. We got together right out of high school so I joke that we’re still high school sweet hearts. We’ve been through a lot of growth together but I worry I’ve out grown him?

I care so deeply for him and he’s my best friend. There were times when I was waiting for a ring and would say yes any day. Now I hope he doesn’t ask me because I’m scared I’ll say no. He is a good boyfriend and does sweet little things a boyfriend should. We’ve argued about him not doing the bigger things though. Not planning dates, trips, anniversaries, being spontaneously romantic in general. We’ve had this argument probably 3x over the years. He always says he’ll try. I think he does and maybe he is now. We have a small trip he planned for my birthday next month but I’m not excited. Not because it’s not an amazing trip but it feels forced because I asked? Maybe it’s too late?

I caught him cheating (texting other girls about meeting up on dating apps) 2yrs ago. I feel we’ve moved passed that in our relationship, only taking a two week break (I went on a girls trip) due to it. But then there’s times now where I kind of hope he’ll cheat again to give me a “better” reason to leave and I know that’s terrible..

He’s two years older than me but sometimes I feel like his mom. I make sure all of the bills are set up, I pick out the living arrangements, if there’s issues I handle customer service even sometimes for his own personal stuff i.e. doctors, insurance, packages. Which I don’t love doing but I also care about him and don’t want him getting frustrated.

The past few weeks I almost dread being home because he’s there and then I feel guilty because there’s no reason I should feel like avoiding him. I went on a work trip and was so happy not to be home. I even found myself looking at others and questioning infidelity but didn’t act on it. When I got back home he had printed a picture of us and had it framed with a bottle of wine and flowers waiting at home. I felt nothing but guilt but also numb at the same time? There wasn’t any excitement or overwhelming love.. my physical attraction has also been null since I’ve been back (a week).

I keep making pros and cons list in my heads. Cons being financial (rent, buying new items), we have two dogs together, starting over in this dating world, making him move out, and hurting him.

I’m scared to make the wrong decision by ending things. I keep debating on just waiting to see how this trip goes between us in two weeks. Hoping maybe it’ll rekindle things for me. Prove that these thoughts are just a low in the relationship for me. Then I worry I’m drawing out the inevitable more.

I don’t know what my question is or what I’m seeking by posting this other than just some sort of guidance. I haven’t voiced this to anyone yet. Thanks for reading if you made it this far.