She didnt even date me, we just were friends and talked. She ended it eventually because she knew I wanted more than friends and couldnt help hoping for it.

Some of what I say wont be popular here, and I understand that. Im not here to debate or insult anyone.

I am 40, never had a relationship. I know my standards are probably too high, and I accept that. I just cannot see myself lowering them. Yes I am lonely and desperate to meet someone, but I also know if I did just happen to settle for anyone, I would be just as desperately lonely and even resentful for settling.

The problem is, she ruined other women for me. Not only did she has every good quality a person could and enjoyable to talk to, she was a fitness model. I do have a muscular women fetish, to the point where I only really find them attractive. Im not attracted to regular women any more than a gay man would be, ironically. I just dont find it attractive and kinda just dull honestly. I know that wont make me friends here, and dont judge people as human beings based on looks, but I also know I cant help if I feel no attraction for them.

So now even though I have tried to date non muscular women, and get over her, it doesnt work. I compare them to her and even the best women arent muscular so its not even a competition, and I just dont feel it. Ive broke off quite a few because I just dont find them attractive and I really, really tried. There was no passion or feelings and I cant see myself being with someone like that just for shits and giggles or just to not feel alone. I even somewhat resent that they arent like her, even though I dont show it. I cant help wishing they were her or at least had her physical qualities.

Idk what to do, Im going insane desperate to meet someone. Ive tried online dating but most these days wont let you search on bodytypes. Tried gym but they are all average women just doing enough to stay in shape or get thin. I even have neglected my own body because it feels so bleak and pointless to try. I dont see the point of getting healthy when I feel like I dont even care if I die with the way I feel.

I am in therapy but they cant really do much for me except listen, and I feel like I just am so so tired of this. Four decades of life and most have been lonely and miserable. I know a lot of you will say just stop caring, looks fade. And its true! Looks do fade. But i have. Never enjoyed a sex life like (or had it, im a virgin…i never used any dates for sex even when it looked like an opportunity, i just dont want it meaningless) and I want to. I feel like I want that vital human experience of being attracted to someone and having that connection. Not just physical but with someone Im in a relationship with.

Sorry guys I dont know what really to do this is just me ranting because honestly, I am just wondering what the point of going on is when I just feel like this all the time

Does anyone know any dating apps where I could search for a muscular woman? Most these days refuse to let you search based on body type or appearance so it feels almost pointless to search , i dont know where to go or what to do.