There's this girl (let's call her G and she's 18 at the time) that I (20 at the time) matched with on a dating app a couple years ago (September 2021) and we hit it off via messages even talking about interests and other things before having gone on a first date. We went on a first date (October 2021) which was okay-ish since G's sister and friend had to come because she didn't know how to drive so one of them drove everyone. I feel like I couldn't make the moves I wish I could since G's sister and friend were around sometimes but not always but that's the besides the point I'm trying to get to. After the date was over, it surprised me that G told me to text her when I get home safe when usually it seems guys ask girls to do that? Anyways I streamed movies on Discord for us to watch together for the next month or so while we tried to schedule a second date. She couldn't seem to finalize a single date I suggested because she lacked the ability or freedom at the time plus we lived like an hour away from each other. We did agree to be mutually exclusive but about 1 and a half months (November 2021) after the first date she told me that she didn't want to pursue a relationship with me anymore because of the negative experiences people close to her had in their relationships. She reassured me telling me that she wasn't saying that would happen to us if we got into a relationship but she's just afraid of the possibility getting hurt and experiencing cheating/abuse. Although I believed her, I just took that as she didn't want to date me and not that she wasn't ready for relationship in general. I also found that quite immature of her to not want to get in a relationship all of a sudden just because of the negative experiences of those close to her. It didn't bother me as much that she didn't want to pursue a relationship with me but rather the reasoning she gave me or could've given anyone else in my position. But I did still feel hurt as I felt lead on and at this point we watched all the Harry Potter movies and MCU movies together at that point even though it wasn't in person. Of all the girls I had interests in before I met G, no one was like her so she was the first girl I wanted to make a gift basket for with her favorite snacks and stuffed animal to gift on the second date so of course I never got the chance to give it to her (couple months later I gave the snacks to my friends and gave the stuffed animal to my sister lol) and I haven't told her about that to this day. Despite that, we still continued to text everyday tho and it with mutual interest so there weren't any empty conversations.

But I had to move on from her to not feel hurt anymore and lose feelings for her so I did so by hopping back on dating apps a month and half later (January 2022) to where I started getting dates. Some went well, some didn't. Ultimately they led to nothing except for one where we were friends with benefits for a few months (March 2021). But during that time G and I still texted almost every single day to this day and we never reach a point to where one of us is carrying the conversation. I never told her about any girls or dates I went on and she never told me about any guys or dates she went on if she did which I feel like she probably hasn't actually been on any dates since ours but I am not 100% sure. I only think that because she never ever mentions guys other than the ones in her family/extended family so not even guy friends and when I used to be on SnapChat, I'd always see her with either friends (all female) or family (sometimes male cousins) on her story until I decided to delete SnapChat (December 2022) because I didn't like it anymore. Throughout the remainder of the year after I stopped being FWB, G and I still watched movies every now and then on Discord. I also was on and off of dating apps but only for like a week every time and I wouldn't really get any dates. I'd ask her if she'd wanna hangout sometimes but whenever we made plans to, she'd never be able to make it through. So I felt really embarrassed after asking G multiple times about when she could hangout that I eventually only asked her like once every month and then stopped asking her. And the last time (December 2022) I asked her, she was actually on the way the place we agreed to meet until she got a flat tire in the car that her sister was going to drive G and sent me a pic of it saying "maybe this is a sign" with crying emojis implying that maybe it's a sign that we're not meant to meet. My heart kind of sank when I read/saw that and I believed it but some part of me just felt hurt by always having a low expectation of her to come through and I shouldn't have been surprised that this happened and also thought maybe the pic she sent was just a flat tire pic from Google to make an excuse to not come but at that point I didn't want to think about it so much because I losing my inner peace. This happened towards the end of the year but not before I started getting a few dreams related to G (August 2022) to where it showed we were romantically interested in each other even though I wasn't thinking of her like that in real life at the time. Those dreams caused me to catch feelings for her and encouraged me to just ask her to hangout as friends until I eventually stopped. Also this may not that relevant but the last time we watched a movie that year was in October 2022 and I just didn't feel like watching anything with her again until a year later (October 2023).

Since September 2021 till now, we both always text with interest and ask each other questions and talk about all kinds of things. In the back of my head I would always wonder if she still had interest in me or if she just liked the attention I was giving her. Either way I enjoy texting her for the most part except for moments when I feel like I might be crushing on her again and it just makes me feel sad because I think she won't reciprocate those feelings if I told her about them. So that makes me sometimes wish that she wouldn't text me back and ghost me so I wouldn't have to think about her anymore. I know that if I found the one that I would instantly drop G and tell her that I'm in a relationship even though I've never told her about any of the dates I went on or FWB since we had first started talking 2 years ago. Quite recently I got another dream of G after a year when I last did, and we were romantically interested in each other in it (holding hands to be exact) and that yet again reignited some type of feelings in me for her. Mind you we have been watching movies again on Discord lately and have been texting avidly about the finale for Attack On Titan and at this point in our friendship I had realized that no one talks me with interest and cares about me like she does. Not any of my guy friends I've had since highschool do but she does. Earlier this summer I tried asking her why she still talks to me and she said she does so because I still talk to her and I didn't know what to think of that exactly so then I sneakily tried asking her in a way if she ever felt anything more than just as a friend since we first started talking and she basically said that she would've let me know if she did. Despite getting that answer, I still enjoyed texting her like a fool and now I'm not sure what to do because of that dream and how we still text each other enthusiastically. I know now that she actually knows how to drive on her own but that would not necessarily guarantee that she'd be able to make it to a hangout or even date if I asked her too. Although I'm not looking for a relationship right now with anyone, I would not mind getting with G if she expressed that she was interested in me like that. However I am just afraid of feeling hurt again and I pray and wish someone in my life who is better than her comes and takes me as unrealistic and immature as that sounds. There's a lot of things I like about G but there's plenty of fish in the sea yet I always come back to thinking about her even when I don't or pursue someone else.

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