I think about this moment a lot. It only happened six months ago and I can't get it out of my head.

For context, I'm the type of girl that attracts guys that like anime and pedophiles lol. After years of living in a strict Asian household, I downloaded tinder and felt excited to meet new people. I'm severely shy when talking to men and can't be platonic friends with them because I catch feelings real quick. So I thought tinder would be a good place to start, plus I'm a college student.

I match with a Polynesian dude. He's hot, I'm flattered he's swiped right on me. (I was naive, I now know guys just swipe right on everyone lol) His profile says "NO HOOKUPS", all caps. Which was surprising because he's so god damn good looking. So we text. And he asks to meet late at night. I feel okay with it given his bio but nonetheless I shower and shave to meet him. You know in case it goes anywhere.

We meet. He's cute irl and drives a nice car. He's in the navy and fit. We talk (I only realize when I get home that he only had me ask him questions).

We drive around since nothings open at that time and we pull up next to the beach in a dark place. I'm really nervous since I could sense where this is going.

Turns out we do have sex lol. It's my first time and I try to be cool about it because he seems like one of those boys who enjoys casual sex. And my preference for any relationship (even non committal and non exclusive) is long term, anything temporary fucks with my brain. He told me it wouldn't be a one night stand which is why I was okay with it. I was terrible at kissing too lol.

But he still manages to nut and he proceeds to tell me that we would make cute kids. EXCUSE ME?! I know it's a flirty, sexy thing to say but it caught me off guard. The more experienced me would probably have replied "than put one in me" or some shit but I was so new to sex then that all I said was "yeah".

I'm 90% sure he forgot my name because he called me baby and woman the entire time.

Then a week later he proceeds to unadd me on Snapchat. And I've never been the same since.

Lol but ummm I did leek in his car and he asked if I came. I had to tell him I did so that was some sort of solace for me lol.

It was generally so cringey and I felt really rejected when he unadded me. Maybe I should just be glad that I lost it to a good looking dood, but ultimately I feel like shit lol. I'm still really dumb when it comes to giving the goodies away too quickly. At least, I'm better at sex and the guys stick around longer. But they do all drop me when I express feelings or wanting to go deeper. It's hard to find the balance. I also suspect I have severe abandonment issues.