I'm a 26 year old dude from a conservative background who's never had any sort of experience with any female at all. All boys school, branch of engineering with 0 girls and even at work it's just dudes because we're crunching numbers all day. Discovered masturbation quite later in life than most guys cause too busy dealing with the tragedies of life. Growing up I was the chubby bullied one and never had any sort of self confidence cause of how I was treated. Everyday was a struggle and I'd laugh it off cause the guys who did that were the only friends I had. In college I started working out and was irrelevant cause again chubby and bulky. Nobody cared if I existed and I somehow managed to get through 4 years. Met someone online during this period but then again being the ugly non confident dude that didn't last long. Got a job and was hit with troubles at home and then covid. Lost family to it and other health complications and got lonely. All this while trying to find someone who'd like me back for me and not cause of how I look cause that obviously isn't going my way anyway. Turned to porn and got addicted to masturbating everyday. Trying to get rid of that. Everytime I hit it off with someone I'm either ugly,clingy or too basic. I've be ghosted because of my name, religion, age, the way I look, the way I sound to name a few reasons.. Well I'm not like some people who can be confident and just say whatever they want to cause I can't afford to offend anyone. Sometimes I think I'm too innocent and clean hearted and I've been told by people that dating isn't for me cause I'm too honest and simple. Sometimes I wonder if I'll just die alone. And I might be right. Given how things are going I can almost see the rest of my life alone somewhere around the world. Why am I writing this?? Idk I just feel sad and needed to let shit out. I'm at a stage in my life where I desire someone's company but I can't get it. I'm working on self improvement but nights like these don't make it easy. I'm always told that I don't have the qualities of being with someone cause I'm too easy and nice..which is usually dislikes by girls in their partners. I don't know what else I can do to make my life a less living hell. I write this with tears in my eyes while sitting in a dark room just having so many thoughts going through my head. And for the people still reading..I'm sorry. I'm sorry if I spoiled your mood or something. Again I'M SORRY.

EDIT - so many comments and people reaching out to help me out. I appreciate each and every single one of you who have given me advice, talked to me and extended their helping hands. I'll work on it and take everything positive from here to make sure I come out a better person. I hope everyone is blessed and has an amazing day