But it's like a different kind of loneliness. It's the kind caused by a lack of physical touch and intimacy. I try so hard to keep my head up, but it's so discouraging facing rejection after rejection, being ghosted, and just straight up not connecting with anyone outside of a surface level. I keep putting myself in promiscuous positions because it seems to be the only way I can cope and fulfill that need at least for a short moment.

I have a friend who keeps saying there's someone out there for everyone, but it's so hard for me to believe that because of how many times it's happened. It's a pattern at this point and it's hard to ignore.

Even when I do find someone I can connect with, it always happens. They make me feel special, they make me feel like I can let them have a piece of me, they tell me they will never leave and then they leave. They always leave.

I know I shouldn't let this loneliness control my life, I'm trying to do things I enjoy, I'm trying to interact more with my friends, but it's still there and it's a compulsion at this point to just be swiping through dating apps, scrolling through reddit, profile jumping on Fetlife and just. It's consumed my life, this demand to belong to someone.

It sucks, sorry for just dumping this all out there unfiltered.