I'm pretty much giving up on online dating after almost getting catfished. I haven't had a date since the summer, I met the person on Reddit, and it was a total disaster. I feel like I should meet people in real life, but like, fuck real life. I don't mean fuck people, but really, fuck real life. Everything is too gray. People are unapproachable. I couldn't tell you who my friends are in most social situations, let alone interested parties. I keep hearing I need to work on myself to become dateable, and it's like...when am I done? When will other people be done so they can see me? How the fuck can I warm up to anyone when the world is so goddamned cold? It's frustrating, I'll tell you.

Let me tell you what I'm doing now. I'm training my dog after a long bout of heartworm kept him housebound, which forced me to learn patience. I realized I'm likely demisexual, meaning I no longer feel like I need to rush physical intimacy (which of course will lead to me getting dumped at a rapid-fire pace, but at least now I know WHY). I've spent six months working with a therapist on my anxiety, among other things. I'm getting back into grad school, finishing my novel, trying to be INTERESTING to talk to, but it seems like the deeper into these things I get, the further I get from actually meeting anyone. It's like I can only advance as a person by isolating myself from everyone else, by doing hard shit I don't want to do. And maybe it's the eggnog and half-dazed grogginess talking, but I'm still kind of pissed off. All this work, and THIS is what I have to say to the world. Of course I can't fucking date when even being BETTER and knowing I'm better makes me goddamned angry.

The Internet was a mistake. Merry Christmas. Hug your dear ones. May you never remember not bring good enough for them.